Carolyn Hax

Dear Carolyn:

I'm not attracted to my husband. I never really was but I discounted its importance. This, unsurprisingly, has led to a sexless marriage. I consider sex to be an important part of a relationship.

Is leaving someone because you don't want to be intimate with them ridiculous or necessary?

Washington

The full answer demands that I speak for your husband, which I can't do; he could be hurt by your lack of interest in him, relieved you aren't pestering him, or merrily grabbing as much as he can on the side.



I can say that, so often, people worry a whole lot about the way their marital compromises will affect them, and very little about how these compromises will affect their spouses-to-be. You think, "Will my lack of attraction to him be a problem for me down the road?" without even weighing whether it will be a problem for him. Settling is unilateral, but married life is mutual.

There's always some risk of presuming when you try to anticipate someone else's needs; you can't fully know someone's mind. But you can make a pretty good guess that, say, a guy who enjoys sex would probably not be thrilled with a bride who'd rather not touch him.

Now that you're sexlessly married, you've missed your best chance to think and act selflessly. But it's never too late to start respecting his needs: Does he approach you for sex a lot? Did he used to, but finally quit? Or has he always been hands-off?

There will have to be some kind of long-talk reckoning here, since you're so unhappy -- but the way you start talking, I believe, should originate not just in your needs, but in your sensitivity toward his as well.