Help! I am at my wits end. My wife has very little interest in intimacy and rarely shows affection. To paint the picture, we are in our early 30’s, we have a very large, mixed family, and my wife and I have been married for 7 years. We have had our problems, but we are still together and love each other, and are trying to work things out. She does not like sex. Has not liked sex since the birth of our son 5 years ago. She would give it up to me ONLY because I wanted it. This is fine for her. Me, that is not working, getting it under an emotionless state was better than nothing. I want it worse than I ever have in my life. I want to be supportive of her, but I end up angry due to total lack of any kind of attention.
The lacking is more than just sex. My wife will basically never give a compliment, while I often let her know, that she looks good in what she’s wearing or her hair looks nice or whatever. She will never just come up and give a hug or a squeeze of the hand or a kiss, while I do. And our sex life? Twice a month is about where we are.
I know we cant expect to be like a couple without kids and complications, but we could and should be doing better than we are and its really starting to bother me. I try to suggest things showering together, go to bed early (she then says lets just have a cuddle) she is not interested.
Foreplay is hard work it just does not flow I get frustrated at her lack of knowledge on intimacy & trying to satisfy me. She does not like to touch me down below - oral is out of the question. If I try to kiss her she at times turns away - I view it as rejection. I have had relationships in the past all of which were very satisfying.
My self image and confidence are suffering, but she thinks I am being silly. Any ideas I do not know how to deal with my feelings. I do not understand my feelings. I have become a pervert and I do not like it. What can I do?
2. Roomie.. I had somewhat the same thing happen. You two need to see a marriage counselor. However, what the counselor told me privately helped quite a bit too.
First off, she could be in a depression and it is natural to lash out at the closest person to them. Either because they do not know what is causing it or because their SO cannot fix it.
Second, you are doing all the chasing. It becomes old to her. Even though women are married, some like to know there is still a challenge. So, for the next week, which I know will be very hard. Do not show her affection. Do not be cold & say mean things to her, but do not hug her. Do not kiss her; do not tell her you love her, unless she does it first. The reaction you are getting from her is because of your actions. Therefore, even if she does hug you back it is in response to what you have done. That is not what you want all the time. You want her to come to you.
When I train dogs (I work with them quite a bit), you want the dog to bond to its owner. So, in doing this, you have one person holding the dog back, while you are about 200 ft. out calling it’s name. Eventually have your friend let go of the dog. When the dog runs towards you, you actually run away calling its name. So now, you have the dog chasing you, no need to chase the dog! This is very handy when the dog sees something it likes and you do not want it to take off. The closer the bond, the better chance of it not running off.
Therefore, you rather have to put that perspective into this relationship. Do not keep asking her what ‘is wrong’, or are ‘we ok’. All that does is make her feel like you do not trust the relationship. Let her sort things out, whatever it maybe. Give her space and time. It could also be that her parents divorced or something bad happened in her past, which gives her that personality of being distant. My wife is that way and it is hard not to take things personally. Nevertheless, going through counseling opened my eyes to a lot. Call a local hospital and ask for references for a licensed marriage counselor. Actually if you get a female one, more the better. Your wife would be able to relate to her better.
3. I know you did not just tell that nice man to ‘train’ his wife like he would train his dog! (I’m just teasin’. I have had a weird day. )
Anyway, I could see how that might work on a woman who craves affection, if not sex. As long as there is no perception of pouting. Pouting is a big bucket of cold water on anyone’s libido.
It would not have worked on me though. My perception of my husband’s needs was of that of one more person in a long-a$$ line of people who had demands on my time and energy.
I would have just taken his inattention and RUN with it. It was, after all, what I wanted at the time. Just to be left alone.
Probably the first thing Roomie will need to know is WHY her libido has sunk so low. Could be physical, could be emotional. He will need to have a frank discussion with her though. I do not know how he can proceed otherwise.
4. Yea that is fine. She probably will run with it for awhile. Then realize something is ‘missing’ from her life. Once she figures out what it is, she will appreciate him more.
People have a tendency of thinking their partner is always going to be around, and take them for granted. As you said, your husband was just one of many who were in demand of your attention. However, you fail to realize he deserves this attention more so than anybody else, even your children do.
5. Your husband was just one of many who were in demand of your attention. However, you fail to realize he deserves this attention more so than anybody else, even your children do.
Yes, and because I did finally realize it, we were able to save the marriage. Although, I do not necessarily agree with you about the children’s needs. I think that comes down to prioritizing in any given situation. I.e. you would not leave a sick child’s bedside to go have sex, and you would have resentment for someone who expected you to do so.
Sometimes, BOTH parents must make sacrifices in order to meet the needs of a child. In addition, sometimes they need to distinguish between what that child needs and what he/she just wants, so that they can make time to nurture the marriage.
It comes down to getting the message across to your partner when you have been neglected. How can you make them understand without playing games, which could very easily backfire on you?
My husband and I only managed it through crisis, and at great risk to the marriage. Surely, there should be some better way for a person to communicate their needs without having to go as far as we did.
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People have a tendency of thinking their partner is always going to be around, and take them for granted.
I think that’s true. It is just a shame when it has to come to that, because so often by that time it can be too late.
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