Not Feel Like Making Love

Written by: Wendy Moelker, psychologist in charge of Emergis, Goes, the Netherlands.
First version: 14 Apr 2003. Latest revision: 27 Jul 2007.

Question:
hat is the reason that I have a reduced interest in making love?

Answer:
Feeling like making love, also called sexual desire, is an emotional and physical reaction to an certain erotic stimulation. The physical reaction for example the erection of the man or the vagina getting wet for the woman, may be suppressed or valued positively. Lust for sex may follow after kissing ardently, caressing the body affectionately or touching the genitals in a certain way. Sexual arousal can also come from evaluating the other as being physically attractive for example.

The longer relationships last, the more other things will coincide with sexual attraction, for example if the person gives you enough attention or helps you run the house.

Look at the problem from a physical, psychological and social perspective. In order to feel like making love, there must be physical stimulation; this needs certain hormones and the right touch. Hormonal disorders, certain medication and depression can block this stimulation. So it is important to look at these possible causes of the problem and treat them.

Psychological factors also play a role. Stimulants that induce the desire to make love are: considering your partner attractive, an erotic stimulation, fantasizing about making love, and trying to make a pass at someone.

Factors that block these psychological stimulants are: finding your partner unattractive, having negative thoughts about making love, recalling unpleasant fantasies about making love, negative emotions, stress and fear. Pressing norms may play a role.

Ideas like: "desire comes spontaneously", "love play consists of intercourse" and "if you don't want to have sex you are not normal" play a role.

Social causes may be problems between the partners. Communication problems (one wants to sleep, the other feels rejected by this) may play a role. There may also be a struggle for power between the partners.


Question:
What happens if lack of interest in making love lasts for a long time?

Answer:
If a problem with lack of sexual desire lasts for a long time, different consequences can occur for different people or couples. What may happen is that certain problems in the relationship arise, because the partners have different sexual needs. The person who has less interest in making love may feel guilty or be afraid that the other partner will have an affair. The partner with more sexual desire may feel rejected or desperate. These problems have often been going on for a long time when help is sought. It is important to keep talking to each other and discuss the problem. Also getting help if the problems continue is also important.