How to evaluate your relationship - Relationships & Family (Other) - Helium - by Bill Somes

How to evaluate your relationship - Relationships & Family (Other) - Helium - by Bill Somes


How to evaluate your relationship
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by Bill Somes
A A A Some thoughts on the subject of "personal relationships":

A basic precept of any successful relationship is mutual trust. That said, assuming that you value a healthy and long-lasting relationship, it is important to conduct a critical examination of all relationships periodically. This is particularly true of "personal relationships". When conducting such an examination, one of the fundamental questions that one should ask is: "How do I know if I am involved in a healthy, mutually beneficial and potentially long-lasting relationship?" Both men and women, single, married or involved in a common-law relationship, homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual should ask themselves this question.

Let me share with you some observations and offer some practical suggestions in the form of two very basic, simple "tests" that may help you to affirm that you are indeed in a healthy, mutually beneficial and potentially long-lasting "personal relationship".

Before contemplating a "test" to determine the answer to the question posed above, let's first consider an "observation".

If you find yourself complaining to others ("friends", family members, etc.) about your "significant other", their behaviour, their habits, the way that they treat you etc., don't even bother asking the: "How do I know if" question. "Gossiping" in this manner is a precursor to a failed and/or failing relationship. Obviously, the one exception would be where there is physical, sexual or psychological abuse, in which case you must report it to the authorities and seek professional counselling.

If you want your relationship with that "significant other" to succeed, the first thing that you must do is to stop going to others for advice, solace and/or support. To continue to do so is not only unfair and destructive to your relationship. It is truly an act of betrayal of your partner and yourself to discuss mutual problems and/or to seek support, affirmation and/or solace outside of your relationship without your partner's knowledge and consent.

You owe it to your partner and to your relationship to confront him/her with the issue(s) in an honest, open and respectful manner with the sincere intention of resolving these issues in a fair and equitable way, irrespective of the risks involved. If both of you are willing to face these issues and work together to resolve them, then once resolved, these issues must then be put behind you and you must be prepared to move forward together. If you are unwilling or unable to do this, in fairness to yourself and your partner, you must realize and acknowledge that this relationship is unhealthy and you are obliged to terminate it.

Now let's go back to the original question in the context of "personal relationships": "How do I know if I am involved in a healthy, potentially long-lasting relationship?" First and foremost, I would suggest that to determine the "depth" of your relationship with the other person (male or female) ask yourself this "test" question: "Am I in a "sexual relationship" or am I in an "intimate relationship"? "How do I tell the difference?" The "test" is simple, but you must answer the question honestly, no matter how painful the answer may be, to get to the truth. On the other hand, if you have made a informed, conscious choice of your own free will and if you are comfortable being in a "sexual relationship" and if that is all that you are expecting from your partner both in the short term as well as in the long term, then there is no need to proceed any further.

While it can be a pleasurable experience to occasionally either "give" or "receive" sexual gratification, in a "sexual relationship" one partner or the other invariably feels that they are always expected to "give" and seldom "receive" gratification in return. Thus, they continually feel "used", frustrated and unfulfilled and their basic need for "intimacy" is not being met.

Most people would agree that a "sexual relationship" that is one-sided and is based upon "power" and "dominance" is an unhealthy relationship that has a high potential for infidelity by one or both partners. If infidelity and subservience is okay with you and you have made a conscious choice of your own free will, so be it. However, whether you are a man or a women who is involved in a heterosexual or a homosexual relationship, if you are being dominated by someone else against your will, recognize that feelings of being "used" and "unfulfilled" are justified. When differentiating between a "sexual relationship" and an "intimate relationship", it is imperative that you be honest with yourself and to have the courage and resolve to act on your feelings of being "used", even if it means ending the relationship.

In my experience, "intimate relationships" are very rare. Many people delude themselves into believing that they are involved in an "intimate relationship" when they are not. Once again, it is imperative to have the courage to examine your "personal relationship" and to be honest in answering the "test" questions. In contrast to a "sexual relationship", I would suggest that in an "intimate relationship" there is a "spiritual connection". As the term implies, it truly is a deep and inexplicable feeling of "the two souls or spirits becoming as one". In my opinion, an "intimate relationship" is a relationship that is based upon sharing and mutual gratification. It is a relationship that allows each partner to be an individual within a "union of equals". It is a relationship where each person is a true partner with specific and unique wants and needs that are both respected and honoured by the other partner. Most people would agree that an "intimate relationship" is a healthy relationship and it has a better chance of becoming a committed, exclusive, harmonious, fulfilling and long-lasting relationship.

It goes without saying that all relationships require ongoing care and nurturing. Based upon the above "observation" and "test" question, if you affirm that you in a committed, monogamous "intimate relationship", the next question is: "How do I know if this relationship will last?" Or, conversely: "How do I know if this relationship is dead or dying?" Once again, the "test" is beautifully simple.

A man much wiser than I once told me: "In a "personal relationship", if you are not making future "plans" together, if you are not having meaningful discussions about: "What are we going to do when?", then your relationship is dead or dying." These "plans" may range from the complex ("Let's start a family!" or "Let's buy that house that we've always wanted!") to the relatively simple ("Where would you like to spend our vacation together next year?"). Although they must be realistic and meaningful, these "plans" do not necessarily have to be life altering. Having mutual "plans" to share experiences together now and in the future is an effective way to measure the commitment of both partners and it is an extremely important barometer of a healthy and harmonious relationship.

At the risk of stating the obvious, let me say that a relationship is a dynamic and "living" entity. If you are complacent and accept the "status quo", your relationship will not endure.

It is like a tree in that it must grow and thrive in order to survive. Like the symbolic tree, a relationship requires constant care and nurturing, especially in the face of adversity. Once you plant the tree, you do not want to be pulling up your "tree" (that is questioning your "personal relationship") every day to examine the roots to see if the "tree" is healthy and growing. Obviously, continually examining/questioning will do more harm than good and will undoubtedly cause the "tree" to die. However, just as it is important to have faith that your relationship is healthy and is built on a solid foundation, I would suggest that it is also wise to examine the "tree" periodically throughout the various "seasons" (i.e. stages in your life); to guard it jealously and to protect it from harm; to "prune" it when necessary (i.e. in terms of your "personal relationship", to get rid of feelings of anger and resentment toward your partner; any regrets for past decisions; and/or despair that your relationship is "doomed"); and to "feed and water" it and, perhaps most importantly, to take pleasure in seeing it thrive and grow.

Having cared for it and nurtured it, allow your relationship with that "special someone" the time and space that it needs to flourish, to become an "intimate relationship" wherein each partner experiences the ultimate feeling of being an individual with their own unique identity, interests and aspirations, while at the same time sharing in the pursuit of harmony and "intimacy with one another. This is the true meaning of being committed to a "union of equals".

It is my fondest hope that when you feel the need that you can use these simple "tests" and observations that I have described above to determine whether or not you are involved in a truly happy, harmonious and committed relationship with that "special someone" and, if so, that this relationship is healthy and vibrant and has the potential to grow into a lifelong relationship that you can look back on when you get old with a sense of pride and fulfilment.

From my experience I would assert that only about 0.5% of people who are involved in a "personal relationship" (heterosexual or homosexual) are in a committed and monogamous "intimate relationship". If you are one of them, take nothing for granted and count yourself as being very blessed and fortunate. As I have suggested above, protect your "personal relationship" with that "special someone", care for it and nurture it, take pleasure in it and celebrate it every second of every single day so that it will endure for a lifetime.

Learn more about this author, Bill Somes.
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