How to have sex with your wife - Times Online

How to have sex with your wife - Times Online

How to have sex with your wife
How can a man keep sex alive in a long-term relationship? Sex experts Lorelei Sharkey and Emma Taylor say just be sweet - and start by cleaning the house


One of our favourite books of this year is called Porn for Women: it features hunky (but clothed) men doing household chores, making cups of tea, asking for directions, listening intently, and saying things such as, “I love a clean house!”, or “As long as I have two legs to walk on, you’ll never take out the trash”. The feminist blogosphere took immediate self-righteous offence: women are visual creatures too, they said. Women think about sex as much as they do about housework, they said. Women are grown-ups who deserve real porn, they said.

Well, yes. But that’s only half the story. Because while there are plenty of women who turn to porn or erotica during their “alone time”, who’d consider the book a waste of money because the men aren’t naked, and who wish their husbands were up for sex more than once a month, there are just as many women who could take or leave sex a good deal of the time. And most of these women, we venture, would find the book hilarious. Here’s the thing: a guy with a Dyson isn’t inherently sexy – especially if he’s doing the cleaning in the hope of earning himself a sexual favour later that night. But a guy who wields a Dyson on a regular basis, just because he knows that his wife hates lugging it around the house? Now you are talking.

One of the first steps in nurturing a woman’s libido is recognising that there’s more than one way to get in the mood. If she’s tired, or preoccupied, or stressed, then licking her ears or groping her breasts is about as likely to get her in the mood as an episode of Top Gear.

“The most toxic misunderstanding that men have about female libido is that sex drive is about feeling physically aroused and hot for sex,” says Sandra Pertot, author of When Your Sex Drives Don’t Match.

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“Sex drive is anything that helps you to decide that sex is a good idea, and what helps many women in long-term relationships make that decision is the ‘Oh, isn’t he sweet’ feeling.” It might not be the Dyson, of course – but it’s as good a place as any to start, given the number of married women who listed household chores when we asked them what would put them in the mood for sex more often.

“My husband always complains that it’s unsexy when I nag him, but how does he think it makes me feel when I have to nag him? Like my mother!” says Fiona, 43, who’s been married for a decade. She gets the “isn’t he sweet” feeling when her husband remembers, of his own accord, that Tuesday is the night the recycling bins go out, or Thursday is after-school swimming class for the kids. He thinks that he’s earning points just by doing everything she asks, but she’d rather not have to ask every time. A woman can be easily preoccupied by her mental to-do list, but if she’s convinced that he can be responsible for that list, too, she might let it go . . . long enough to remember how long it’s been since they’ve had sex.

“The problem is that this isn’t a straight ‘If I do this I’ll get sex immediately’ formula,” says Pertot. “It’s more about creating an atmosphere in the relationship that builds shared intimacy and mutual caring – foreplay for women in a long-term relationship is often about the 24/7 sharing of housework or child responsibilities.”

That said, occasionally the rewards will be immediate. “It’s easier to relax when the niggling little chores are not hanging over my head, and if he sends me off to take a bath with a promise that he’ll clean up the supper dishes, his odds of being invited to wash my back are doubled,” says Shana, 39, who’s been married for seven years.

But if you long ago paid out for a house-cleaner or live-in nanny, then you’ll have to figure out how else to elicit that feeling from your partner. It might be as simple as kissing her full on the lips and smiling as if you’ re happy to see her when she walks in the door. Or maybe it’s secretly setting the TV to record the Julia Roberts marathon.

Amanda, 38, says that watching her husband take a risk to make her happy gets her every time. “He’s terrified of looking like a fool, especially on the dance floor, so it’s always thrilling when he abandons his comfort zone and lets loose with me.” It’s not that he moves like Justin Timberlake on the dance floor – far from it, she says – but rather that he does it for her.

Next on her list? She wants him to wear a thick-ribbed black cotton polo neck, which is decidedly outside his sartorial comfort zone. And she wouldn’t mind if he’d don “those knee-high black leather boots that are always being worn in Jane Austen movies” too – though she acknowledges that she might have to wait for a fancy-dress party for that. Or just get him to wear them in the bedroom. (Even if the attempt at 19th-century roleplaying left them both collapsed in giggles, we can guarantee that his willingness to play along would at least elicit that all-important “isn’t he sweet” feeling.)

Whatever he does, the most important thing is that he doesn’t see it as a quid pro quo scenario – back to the sexual favour theory of cleaning the loos. And this goes for more traditional acts of seduction, too, such as candle-lit dinners, fresh flowers, and sensual (rather than sexual) touch.

“I wish my husband would touch me affectionately more often without expecting sex,” Shana says. “I can’t usually get in the mood ‘on demand’, and if all the snuggles, hugs and kisses carry an unspoken expectation of more, I’m likely to pull away rather than start something I’m not sure I feel like finishing . . . but without that physical affection, I’m unlikely to get in the mood. It’s a Catch22 that a man can put an end to by not pressing for sex every time there’s a hug and ten minutes available.”

Amanda, too, wishes that her husband understood the importance of “random touching that’s not exclusively sexual”. She says that she finds herself stroking his bare forearms a lot, in the hope that he’ll respond in kind. “I want to be petted! I must have been a cat in another life.”

The problem is that a lot of men assume that women experience sex exactly as they do: they experience sexual desire, then sexual excitement follows closely behind, and eventually – boom! – orgasm. But it doesn’t always work this way for women. Some women need to be aroused and feel excited before the desire to have sex kicks in. And sensual touch that’s free of expectations may be just what gets her aroused. (“If you get annoyed that she doesn’t initiate sex after, say, a long massage, she’ll stop responding at all to these approaches in the future,” Pertot says.) Other women start with a simple openness to have sex – inspired, perhaps, by that “isn’t he sweet” feeling – and eventually excitement, or desire, joins the party.

Alexis, a 33-year-old CEO and mother of a one-year-old child, whose No 1 sex wish is that her husband would hoover without her asking him, explains it this way: “Women are always ‘switched on’ when it comes to everything but sex. We wake up and we’re ready to go. Men wake up and must have some coffee before you can give them the day’s instructions. Women need foreplay like men need coffee.” “Men shouldn’t take it as personal rejection,” Amanda says. “Women are more complicated beings than men, aren’t they? If all we needed to activate our libidos was a naked picture, we’d be men.”

Seduction tips for grown-up boys . . .

1. Get in the bath together: it helps to separate work from play and wakes up her nerve endings, too.

2. Set the scene: dim the lights, play some music she likes, change the sheets – hide the dirty laundry and your BlackBerry.

3. Kiss her how you used to on your early dates: put your hands in her hair, hold her face, and take your time.

4. As you undress her, (and DO undress her) tell her how much you love her body. Be specific! “And this is my favourite part . . .”

5. Don’t go straight for the boobs! That’s for teen boys and men who take their wives for granted.

6. If she has trouble being selfless in bed, blindfold her with your tie so she has no choice.

Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey are the authors of six books on sex and relationships, including Buh Bye: The Ultimate Guide to Dumping and Getting Dumped (Chronicle Books). emandlo.com



Have your say

Can you explain why my wife cannot initiate sex with me, will not touch me, tells me that she loves and respects me. Then sneaks out with my neighbour and finds it much easier to melt in his arms in the car park of a local pub? I pull my weight, I clean, I cook, I deal with kids, but i am unworthy.

shane, dublin, ireland

I've been happily married for eight-teen years and have found that intimacy gets overwhelming more satisfying for both when the man starts being 'The Man'. 'The Man' does everything possible to help his wife have free time to give the thought of intimacy a chance.


Bernie Hinton, Mobile, Al,

HAH! I love this. How to seduce your wife? "Do what we tell you before we tell you!" Oh well, we're different. We want messy sex in a pile of clothes, a dirty floor. They want cuddling where we're not even thinking about sex before they want sex. No wonder maids and hookers get so much work.

Jeremy Kareken, Sunnyside, NY, USA

The thing is, that men must jump through hoops to possibly have sex. Though women are worth it, at times it's selfish. Shouldn't women care enough about their husbands to help come up w/ solutions rather than excuses ?
When will women realize that this kind of behavior is what temps us to cheat.

Albert, Newark,

Some males here seem to think if they do a chore their wife should do a chore for them. That's ridiculous. I've been through a time with symptoms listed here and things have improved after the realization that sex should not be a chore and fun seductive times arnt to seduce but to be enjoyed by both

Daniel, LA,

that is definitly not the case for me. im 32 years old my wife is 31 weve been married for ten years, and she does not want to have sex with me. ive tried everything, i do most of the chores do most of the cooking , i take our kid to school and pick her up when i can due to my work schedule. ive tried explaining to her that for me sex is not about just having sex, but its the ultimate closeness to share with each other, that it is like love is something tangible that you can wrap yourself in like a blanket. but to her its inconvienent, and dirty. please help me i dont know what to do anymore ive even let her know how much it hurts me that she always denies me the love a married couple should have between each other

Jay, jackson, usa/ohio

From a wife: Weekly: PLAN special date, simple picnic dinner on living rm floor candles, champagne or a ‘special’ restaurant w/seating on the floor, unusual food, finger foods to feed each other. It is the EXPERIENCE that is a turn-on. A drive along coast in rain, umbrella, champagne, caviar to eat in car.
Write short notes place in unexpected places, behind pillow, in coffee cup,… ‘Can’t wait to be with you’.
Send sexy emails-be graphic about her body and what you what to do.
Inexpensive gifts (sowon’t fret about cost), undies, socks, two pieces chocolate, 1-4her-1-4-U.
Public expression, a toast about how lucky you are
Birthdays etc. Ask about items she has been wanting and stick to what SHE wants. Wrap in sheer fabric attach a charm. When she is out decorate bedrm w/ balloons, flower peddles/candles/present.
Secretly buy something she likes, at dinner, pass it to her under table.
Tell her younger women R so ho-hum, that you can’t believe how much more desirable she is.

Lolita`, Pinole, ca

Oh give me a break! I have been married for 15 years, earn over $140K/year, keep myself in excellent shape, clean the toilets weekly, cook every meal that has any food value to it, make time to get the kids to after school and during school events and still get the cold shoulder more often than I get laid. Right now I am on the ABC (Anniversary, Birthday, Christmas) program The real kicker is the ...oh, .."not sure if we really connect", or "maybe tomorrow". Well, tomorrow never comes! I have a library that would make the sinclair institue envious on how to get interest in the relationship and have tried them all! Every one of those "do this" self help programs are not going to help anyone in anyway enjoy a more sexually active relationship with their partner if she isn't interested in sex. I love my wife, and think she has and told her in more ways than I can think that I love her and enjoy her and her body, which is phenominal!
Branch out, it's what keeps me alive!

Robert Cust, Mayerthorpe, Alberta

I've also done all these things, still do, and they do not get you any extra action in the bedroom. There is no magic action or cure.

The fact is that only about 10% of women have anything that resembles the same level as a mans sex drive (especially after having had children). I'm married to one of the remaining 90% who don't give a damn about keeping their husband happy sexually after they reach over 35.

Women should realise that the world is thier oyster if they just kept thier man happy sexually at least 2-3 times a week.....if they did maybe men would be saying and doing more sweet things for them.

Do older women really want an unhappy hubby, or should they just put their emotions in a box for 5-10 minutes and let him have it?





Robert, Bairnsdale, Victoria

what a teribble view of married life.! Makes women sound weird.

james, glasgow, ayrshire

I've done all of this. It does not work. I love my wife, but it does not reciprocate back in this area. Nothing in here is new information, yet I find that I'm taken for granted for doing exactly these things...

Nate, Indianapolis, IN

Wisest thing I ever heard about men, women and sex. Jerry Seinfeld: "When it comes to sex, women are like fire and men are like the fireman. The fireman is allways ready to drop everything and run to the fire . The fire can get really, really hot but conditions have to be just right". Having said that, I agree with a lot of whats in the article about women and their sex drives, housework, chores, et.
But ladies, marriage is a two way street. If you love your husband you will try and meet his needs, sometimes. Most men, like myself do as much as they can to help around the house and still work full time. What we want is to provide for our family and recieve affection in return. If a man is in a relationship with a woman he loves and finds attractive and physical intimacy is constantly denied it is like a slow torture. You have to live with her, watch her dress, get out of the shower, wanting her without having her. This has a true impact on a man's confidence and psyche.

Mike , Danville, Virginia

All very interesting reading, but for my money, what seems to be missing, or just not said, is connection between partners.My wife decided to forgoe a career for our kids, which I fully support. I work full-time, and commute 2 hours a day, help with the kids, help with the cleaning, do all but the light work in the yard to honour my promise to love, honour and cherish. I don't see sex as a reward, I see it as part of a healthy relationship, one that has been lacking in my marriage for the past 8 years.
My point is that if I were to do more at home, I would have to work part time.

Peter, Brisbane, Australia

My wife has knocked me back for sex so often that I can't be bothered initiating sex now and am thinking about using a professional to get what my wife continues to refuse to give me.
If I did not have kids I would leave her tommorow. I am a nice guy and I am now studying how to be an Alpha Male rather than a nice guy.
An Alpha Male would dump his wife in a flash and get want he is missing from another source. Alpha Males do not respond also to Demands/ Nagging or guilt trips to do stuff for the kids.
Mind you if my needs are neglected then I am going to neglect the house work, looking after the kids , ect. due to a lack of confidence brought about from constant rejection of advances.
Cleo reckons when a man stops bothering to initiate sex then the relationship is on skid row.


Brett, box hill, Australia

Wow. I'm very disappointed by the venom and hostility in the men's comments here.

Maybe your sex lives are perfect or whatever so you don't need advice like this, but this article articulated a lot of things for me about my libido that I've been having problems with. I deeply care for my partner, but I've had a hard time responding to his advances. When we do have sex it is amazing, but of course he wants more and I want less sexual groping out of nowhere. When I say No to his groping then he pulls away altogether, even though I say I still do want to touch... but he implies it's not worth the effort if sex won't happen immediately.

I think this article's advice is fantastic and I hope my partner is more receptive to its advice than some of the commenters here are being. (I know he will be.) :)

It's not about the chores guys, the key words here are mutual caring (about kids, household, or some sort of project- something you can CREATE together) and shared intimacy.

J, Astoria, NY, NY

Women and Men Being 2gether...living...loving...playing...laughing...dancing...singing...did I say Playing...and the dishes, etc. get done...

Yes, Gilroy,

The authors seem like they are still expecting a 14 year olds idealized version of love or romance. Mature adults don't think like this.
Real relationships are between paradoxical and complex human beings, and have realistic expectations and honest communication.

If you want or expect your partner to do something you simply say "would you do this for me, it is important to me" and spell it out. Expecting either one to read minds is for teenagers.

And all of these women quoted in the article saying they don't want men to do this or that for them with the expectation of sex because that is a turn off to them.....is hilarious.

They then turn around and say if a man does this or that for her, then she might be in the mood.....which is a quid pro quo on her terms. At some point you got to accept people for who they are and if that doesn't work I guess you leave your relationship.

Al, New York,

what a load of garbage. Women can't expect the man to go to work to put a roof over the family's head and dinner on the table, and then expect them to do the hoovering, cooking, cleaning etc. If they want to go be the main breadwinner, I have no problem doing the housework, but they can't have it both ways.

I know enough women who take a sensible attitude to relationships, unlike the one being proposed above. I also think Angela hit the nail on the head. Frankly if a woman expected me to both be the breadwinner, and to do the housework, for her to 'get in the mood' to have sex, I'd see her as no different to a prostitute or a parasite, and steer well clear.

Andy, London, UK

This article makes total sense.

I remember, before I settled down, how a great night out would end with the words "I think you are really sweet" and the sex that would always follow was mind blowing.....

No, sorry, the sex that would follow was IN MY MIND, that was it.

When you were dating being sweet was NOT a good thing.

Why should we believe that being sweet during marriage would be any different?

Bob, Reading,

As an American married to an English man for 32 years, having lived with him for 10 years previously to that, I say Amen! to the article and about time, too! Too often the women are looked on as servants with bumps on - look at John McCrerik and how he treated his wife whom he dubbed "the Booby". She may think it's love and a statement of need: the language used gives the game away! I made it clear that I would not tolerate being called Mum by my husband, and I would not call him by his English nic-name either because of its conotations for me. I made other things clear as well but older age has a habit of creeping up on one and those vows cannot be adhered to - keep your teeth in at all times being one. Through those long years together, we actually are not as aware of time passing as we might be. He taught me to walk fast, I taught him to be more affectionate - the compliments are still like difficult and woe betide me if I refer to an excess of booze! We have learned each other.

Carlyle Braden, Croydon, U.K.

As with all gender related articles and arguments I find that this is really generalised. Are there really such fundamental differences between men and women we can rightly say 'all (or even most to be fair) women/men would like this in the bedroom/home/office/out on the town/socialising with friends'? No, of course we cannot.

I think the most important thing in any relationship is treating your partner as an individual and compromising with this in mind - not doing what stereotypes or other's advice dictates. Every girlfriend I have had has been different in various ways, learning what your partner likes, be it in the bedroom/home/office... and being able to read their moods and desires is really not difficult and seems a much more appropriate way to chose how to act.

Alternatively you could just ASK your partner what they like and/or puts them in the mood etc.

I don't like how men are always portrayed as single-minded, inept partners in these articles. As true of women.

Alexander, Carlisle, Cumbria

i don't need to drink coffee in the morning. i get out of bed as soon as my alarm goes off and am out the door on my bike within 5 minutes.
my girlfriend has to press the snooze button at least twice, then she can't get dressed or do anything until she has had her cup of tea with 3 sugars in it.
what am i trying to say you ask?
answer = everybody is different!

another point.
these days papers are full of articles telling me how to please their wife better. the result is that sex is becoming boring for men. women should start thinking a whole lot more about how to please their men, because ladies, a whole lot more of us are going to start cheating and using porn because our ladies are boring in the sack and unable to make the same sweeping changes in their sexual that they themselves demand of men!

j, london,

Dear Edward
How sad you have only meet such awful women. If you don't flash your cash, you will not attract the predators either. Most women are not after money, just a nice and hunky man who can keep us warm at night, take at the rubbish, fix the dripping tap and act as a partner instead of one of the kids. There are nothing as sexually offputting as a needy man. When you start acting like his mum, you no longer want to light the candles in the bedroom. Hot women and cold women. Hm, I have been both. When you know he will look after your needs in bed as well, you will turn into a hot woman. Many cold women are the result of years of faking orgasms, being in charge of the household as well as having a career feeling the husband is not sharing the responsibilities. So I agree with this article. Almost every divorced woman I know left because the husband kept acting like a little boy. So grow up and the warm, kind women will find you a lot more attractive.

Hannah, Llandudno, UK

Really, Gene? I would freely admit that I'm a sexually simple creature. I suppose some men (you, perhaps?) need to be wined, dined, and made to feel special before getting in the mood... but that's just not the case with me or most of my guy friends. How many guys would *ever* turn down oral sex, for example--no matter the circumstances? It's just not the same for women.

John, Boston, MA

Lisa from London, the women most of us men here have been spending time with are just basic, typical, post-feminist women; greedy, materialistic, man-hating goldiggers who only care about money.

I've never yet met a woman who loved anything other than money - ideally a man's - and who would do anything to get her hands on it.

Edward, Leeds,

I can't even begin to count how many inaccurate stereotypes and myths there are in this article. "Men are sexually simple creatures"??? I guess your sexual education must have come from watching TV or listening to old wives' tales.

Rather than reinforce platitudes, why don't you take some time to think about the non-trivial aspects of this subject. It's always more interesting to read something that hasn't been chewed over a billion times.

Gene, Baltimore, usA

The arrogance of men never ceases to amaze me. Some of the worst lovers I have ever had have been the most keen to boast about their faultless sexual prowess and hundreds of conquests they have loved and left. I have yet to meet a man, nor have I heard from any female friends of one, that can admit that he may have made the odd mistake in the bedroom, or that there IS a huge difference between the way men and women become aroused.

Most long term relationships start out good sexually - it's keeping it going that's the problem. What makes it harder is that trying to embark on any kind of discussion with a man about how things could be done differently causes their ego to implode. Maybe men should start realising that sex in porn films is not how you should really do it. And maybe women should try sleeping with more women. At least we know what we like.



Liz, Sutton Coldfield, UK

It seems that a lot of men who comment on articles in the Times about relationships are convinced that all women are out to trap them through sex, so that they can "trick" them into a relationship, marriage and children, and then divorce them and take all their money.
What kind of women have you been spending time with?

Lisa, London,

I have come across a few women in my time who are like the above and fortunately for me it is a minority, i think making up excuses like the one above and shifting the old 'housework' excuse is just fallacy. A reason for women to carry on without excepting that they have lost a large part of their libido and blame it partly on the man not cleaning enough, what are women activley doing for men in these situations? expecting men to do all the work to solve the problem. Come on girls.

Ken Sweeper, Newbury, Berkshire

I have never read so much rubbish in my entire life and the comment 'Men wake up and must have some coffee before you can give them the day’s instructions.' is such an incredible statement that I hope whoever he is - he leaves that awful woman. Too often society is totally focussed on Women, clothes, adverts, food - the list is endless. Men barely get a look in these days.

I can now totally understand why men die younger than their women - we are so fed up running around trying to please her, we get tired and die.

A little more balance in this country is long overdue.

Tony, Cambridge, UK

The theory put forward in this article is an interesting and logic sounding one. In reality though it is totally wrong and based on erroneous presumptions. The matter of fact is: there are hot types and there are cold types. There is no such thing as a necessity to seduce your wife if she´s a hot type. This type will simply enjoy and demand sex very frequently - no matter what´s on her to-do list or if the husband wields the Dyson. The cold type however: sure, you might manage to seduce her twice a year on average by pulling out all the stops trying to be her superman (if the housecleaning advice mentioned here is a good one though - that´s arguable to say the least). If you married a cold type but can´t tolerate the consequences you won´t get happy cleaning the house. You will unevitable have to either remain unhappy, find yourself an affair or separate.

Angela Machado, Lisbon, Portugal

hmm another thought, maybe the way we acted at the beginning of the relationship was slightly connected with the way you guys acted at the beginning of the relationship?

inga, Stockholm,

"the most toxic misunderstanding that men have about female libido".

It's amazing how many articles deal with this and so few with the most "toxic misunderstandings" that women have about male libido.

Sex is a weapon, a bribe, a dog chocolate in the hands of all but the most subjugated women on the face of the earth. Not that I think it should be any other way though. Just stating the facts.

Roger Darce, London, UK

Very funny Gustav! Well my experience is that I like housework, I like washing up and running her a bath, cooking for her, paying her complements and taking her out. We shared the bills right down the middle too. A STILL my marriage has failed. She has left for another fella. She still laughs at my jokes and sense of humour so why? Why indeed.

I wasn't an abusive husband and I loved her the same as 20 years ago.

My new girlfriend [and her friends] think I'm an oddity be cause I cook, clean, tidy, I'm intelligent and can be very amusing. I think they secretly wonder if there's a hidden side to me that I'm hiding.

Oh, and the sex was non-existent before but now I'm getting it 3 times a night - at her request!!

I'm a happy boy!

Fanny Adams, York, UK

Gustav - that cuts both ways. Women would be more likely to act like they 'did at the beginning of the relationship' if they were still wined and dined, pampered and treasured like they were at the beginning.

P Robbins, Cornwall,

Ah there's a bloke to avoid!

sk, Eastbourne, East Sussex

To Gustav,

Spoken like a true male!

Elizabeth, Bristol, England

Dear Experts,I.m sorry your sex life has been the pits.Mine hasn't been,and I'm glad of that.Fortunately I have bumbled through life never meeting you or your ilk.I'll have to take your word that women like you actually exist as I have never personally met one.I have always found that women are as equally interested in sex as I am.Again,sorry for your disappointments.It must be so frustrating.

ron, toronto,

Two major studies recently in the UK and the US both showed that when you account for work within and outside the home, men and women work equally hard. Why should men be expected to do more than their share simply in order to have sex?

And as for giving a man "the days' instructions" - as if he's some kind of servant - how arrogant and patronising can you get!? It's no wonder so many relationships fail if this is really what's happening!

David Space, London, UK

Or, here's a thought:
Why don't you women just act like you did at the beginning of the relationship? Or was that just a ruse to get us to commit and have kids?
Sex is a healthy part of a relationship. Attaching way too many rules and discussion to it only widens the chasm.

Gustav, Newport Beach, USA / CA


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