My girlfriend thinks going without sex is ok. | News.com.au Ask Bossy Blog

My girlfriend thinks going without sex is ok. News.com.au Ask Bossy Blog


My girlfriend thinks going without sex is ok.
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Kate de Brito
Friday, October 17, 2008 at 09:02am


Dear Bossy: I read your blog all the time (some would call it religiously) and I have seen all the ones from guys asking you about their girlfriends/partners and their respective sex lives..... Well sorry to say, here is another one.

I have been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years, I love this woman with all my heart and soul and am intending on marrying her, but there is one slight problem. I will give you a bit of background.

When we first started seeing each other, she was a virgin - to me that’s not a problem in the slightest, I waited till she was ready. Things went along well for a while after that, the sex was regular (well as much as a long distance relationship at that time would allow)

After a while I realised that I arrive too early (yes, premature ejaculation) and sought help to treat the problem. I can last considerably longer than I did before. Keep in mind that she didnt ask me to do this it was something I did this for myself.

Around this time or a bit earlier, we went without sex for about a month, I was still living a few hours away due to work commitments and one night I received a message from her asking me if I was happy with our sex life. I said I was but agreed that it was a long time to go without being intimate with each other and we worked on spending as much time together as possible. Problem solved (or so I thought)

Fast Forward to about 4 months after that. it happened again, only this time it was for 2 months, again we talked it through and it improved for a month and fizzled again for 3 months.

In this 3 month period, I would barely be able to give her a hug or even kiss her, holding hands seemed like a chore to her. I was close to calling it quits but I talked it through again and again it improved.

Ten Months ago I had a medical problem, this caused me to gain weight, and a significant amount of it. I lost self confidence and through my determination, I have been able to lose the majority of it and I have about 15 kilos remaining. We moved in together 8 months ago after I accepted a new job and for a while, our sex life was pretty good. Well for 4 months of it anyway....

Its now coming up to month 4, I have tried talking to her rationally about possible reasons why, but I get no real answer apart from the standard “I’m tired” or “not tonight honey” Still not able to hold her hand, kiss her, hold her or any other form of intimacy for that matter.

I honestly dont know what to do next, either put up with it and stay in a potentially sexless marriage, or throw in the towel and lose the love of my life. The whole situation is affecting my work and how I act around her.

Your sage advice (and those like Denny Crane) would be greatly appreciated.




Bossy says: I’m sorry to disappoint you, but Denny Crane has officially left the building. It appears he is tired of fame and being Denny Crane and is now blogging under another name. I’m probably not really meant to tell you that but I hope he will forgive me...there have, after all, been lots and lot of enquiries after his health and whereabouts. Stay tuned for the Denny Crane treasure hunt.

As to your particular problem I wish I could say there was an easy answer. If it helps, you should know a lot of people of both sexes share your concerns about lack of sex in their relationship. And the reasons for lack of sex are as many and varied as the relationships themselves.

Some people don’t much like sex much at all. Some people are happy to have it, just not very often; they’d be just as happy with a book and a cup of tea. For others there are issues of past abuse that hamper their enjoyment of sex or issues regarding their health or weight that make sex uncomfortable or less enjoyable. Women sometimes enjoy sex more or less at different times in their monthly cycle. Others like sex, but don’t like the sex they’re having - and not to put too fine a point on it, I wonder whether this might be the case with you.

Although you have sought and gained help for issues with premature ejaculation I wonder is it possible there are other issues around sex that have never been broached? Could it be your girlfriend isn’t really loving sex but because of her relative inexperience doesn’t know what’s wrong?

I’m not saying this is all your fault. It takes two to tango. But maybe your girlfriend doesn’t know how to navigate the pathways to pleasure in love making; how to seek longer or more extended foreplay if she needs it or how to ask you to touch her or kiss her in a way that will get her in the mood.

Sex works best when both partners are able to communicate what they want and when each partner is open to hearing what the other has to say so it’s a really positive sign you’ve been able to talk about it already. But it seems your communication on the matter has now stalled. Having a sit down and agreeing to try harder isn’t working, so you need to do something else.

I can’t really comment too much on the lack of other physical displays from your girlfriend. Maybe she just doesn’t like holding hands or maybe she is indeed one of those people who doesn’t much like anything physical, including sex.

Whatever the case, you need to get to the bottom of it especially if you are considering a life together. I think it’s heartening your girlfriend raised this issue with your initially. It means she too isn’t happy with the way things have been going, which is better than you being unhappy and her not caring at all.

Somehow you and your girlfriend need to find a non-blaming, non- judging way into this conversation. That may mean you have to listen to things that are hard to hear. What would you do, for instance, if she told you your lovemaking doesn’t turn her on? Would you curl up wounded or work towards a more mutually satisfying sex life?

I don;t want to freak you out too much. This may not turn out to be the major issue. Your girlfriend may love sex but just be happy with having less of it. Even so I think it would be good for you to be open to the possibility she needs more from sex to make her want it more often.

Talk honestly. Write your issues and feelings down on separate sheets of paper if you need to and then read them. Ask the questions you want answered. How often is enough for you? Are you happy with our sex life? What would you like to see change? What would you like more of? Would you like more foreplay, more kissing, more cuddling and kissing that did not lead to sex etc?

Hopefully you can both resolve this. It is indeed a pity to enter a marriage when the physical side of it is already an issue. If nothing is resolved but a really honest talk it would probably be worthwhile seeing a counsellor. Don’t be embarrassed. Plenty of people have these issues, and it would be such a great foundation for you to enter marriage having resolved or worked at something like this.

Recognise too that beneath many sexual issues are issues regarding intimacy and our patterns in relationships. Sorting them out can make a relationship stronger overall.



Have Your SayShow Oldest Newest first Page 10 of 10 « FirstP < 8 9 10 “randy babe replied to M
Fri 17 Oct 08 (01:35pm)
Im female, but I can’t go without it for even two weeks. By that time I am climbing the walls!!!! “

Me too !!!! Are you single ??????

A guy.



Andy INNES of Adelaide (Reply)
Sat 18 Oct 08 (05:55pm)
Well Frustrated,

It seems to me that some or alot of women have a bipolar position as to sex. At the same time of desiring male attention, they resent it as well.

Psychologist Toby Green wrote about how some women see themselves as the source of male desire. The case she wrote about was where a bloke waited until his girlfriend initated sex, and later on when he tried, she turned off.

So for him to have sex, he had to wait until she gave off her signals, and then respond to her signals.

The other sure thing is that most men will suffer from sexual malnutrition. It is sadly a fact of life.

my name is earl (Reply)
Sun 19 Oct 08 (07:45am)
*sniff*

I smell bewilderment.

Okay OP, this is what you do…

First, remember how you looked when you were courting this lady - how you dressed, where you went, how you acted.

Now, update that a little - it’s probably been a while so a venue change might be nice. Come up with a plan for a night out that you KNOW she likes.

Basically, do what you know works but that you haven’t done in ages.

Surprise her (if she’s the sort who enjoys being surprised) on a completely random day. Spend it off work preparing for it, then pick her up from work unexpectedly.

Take her to dinner, wine her, dine her, whatever you did at the beginning of the relationship, and do it in spades.

Make her remember what it is she loves about you.

Now, and here’s the tricky part, you get home, have a quiet beverage. If you’re doing it right, she’s probably curling up near you, willing to risk a head on a shoulder.

TAKE IT NO FURTHER.

That’s right, let her feel no pressure, no inclination that you want to ravage her then and there.

See son, a lot of women love to be loved. Not necessarily MADE love to, but GIVEN love, in all it’s forms - spiritual, romantic, physical, material, sensual.

You might need to do this a couple times to convince her you’re serious about treating her like a goddess, and not a sex object. Not because of what she can do for you, but because she’s your goddess, the bedrock of your life, and everything you do is based on what she needs.

Now here’s the counter - if you do this a few times over a few months, you DON’T get any reaction - because at this point she should be throwing herself at you - then you ditch the frigid cow and find yourself a lady who WILL appreciate being treated right.

Your weight and your sexual stamina have nothing to do with anything mate - any woman who can’t see past the end of her own genitals deserves neither love nor sexual gratification, any more than a bloke who thinks it’s all about the jackhammer deserves his.

Mahhrat of The Unspellable Appellation (Reply)
Sun 19 Oct 08 (08:00am)
Mel replied to Mahhrat
Mon 20 Oct 08 (07:22pm)
It was all reading so well until “Now here’s the counter”. lol.

It sounds like she likes sex and is not satisfied with what she was getting and is now turned off.

she doesn’t want to kiss you, hold your hand or have sex with you because she is no longer attracted to you. . . sorry, it’s harsh.

Been There of Sydney (Reply)
Sun 19 Oct 08 (11:04am)
I think that you should suggest to your girlfriend that she see a psychologist to discuss whether she has any sexual/physical/emotional etc issues that are interfering with your relationship.

Depending on her reaction to this suggestion, perhaps you could then both go along for a couples session after she has had some individual counselling.

Since you have been unable to resolve whatever issues are at the bottom of your non existent sex life, then professional help would seem warranted.

If your girlfriend is not interested in seeking professional help, then I would say the writing is on the wall and it says “get out now”. A relationship without sex is not a fulfilling relationship.

Good luck!

Ucanchewz of Gold Coast Qld (Reply)
Sun 19 Oct 08 (03:04pm)
maybe your GF has some sexual ‘fettish’ that she is scared to talk about, have you asked her what turns her on....

maybe she wants to eat at the Y, or for you to eat at the Y, use the tradesmans entrance, etc etc

maybe she’s been a naughty girl and needs some discipline

you might have to take matters into your own hands for a while

what would the world be if we all had the same wants and needs, like sheep or robots, boooorrrring…

from the sounds of it you show up from a distance, and the first thing you want is wham bam thank you mamm, and she probably wants some romance or fun, sex doesnt make a relationship and a relationship doesn’t revolve around the sexual side of it.

you’re acting like 12, 16 weeks without sex is abnormal, you went without sex for around 13 years, most people do, grow up and stop being such a baby

Rossco of Newie NSW (Reply)
Sun 19 Oct 08 (11:25pm)
I hate to have to be the one to plant the seed of doubt here, but, having had this one blindside me, I feel that putting it out there as a possibility is a necessity.

Does she have any lingerie you have never seen her wear? Does she do anything in bed which you haven’t seen before, and which she could not have picked up by reading Cleo?

Could it be that her sexual appetites are being satisfied by another man?

It’s a terrible thing to suggest, I know, but sometimes it is not a case of someone not being hungry, but simply that they have already been fed when you get to them. Long distance is hard to maintain, and needs are needs.

Even if she is not actively seeing someone else (which may well be the case if she is a recently converted virgin), but maybe she simply is not there anymore and, due to inexperience in dealing with an emotional and/or physical relationship she doesn’t know how to break it off. And maybe stopping the physical side of things is a way for her to try and prompt you to make that break.

I hope I am wrong. But I also wish someone had opened my eyes to this possibility before it knocked me for a look when it became reality.

The Other Man of Sydney (Reply)
Mon 20 Oct 08 (12:39am)
I think your girlfriend has discovered that masturbation is alot easier and less stressful.
Shes an excessive compulsive masturbator whilst your not around. Just face the facts.
Set a trap, leave a vbrator in her draw, I bet it has flat batteries within 48 hours.
Not that there is anything wrong with serial masturbators, I’ve known a couple in my time, in fact alot of people who blog here seem to be wankers.

Johnny of from the scrub (Reply)
Mon 20 Oct 08 (07:03am)
Mel replied to Johnny
Mon 20 Oct 08 (07:25pm)
Don’t speak for everyone Johhny!

YOU ALL FAIL.
YOUR GIRFRIEND FAIL.
YOU FAIL.
EVEN YOUR MUM FAIL.

That is all.

TFT of Brissie (Reply)
Mon 20 Oct 08 (09:22am)
villageidiot replied to TFT
Tue 21 Oct 08 (11:43am)
Me fail engrish? Thats unpossible!

TFT replied to TFT
Sun 26 Oct 08 (10:24am)
Village Idiot = [EPIC] Fail.

That is all.

WOW ! I didn’t realise that my ex wife was seeing someone…

FANTA PANTS of Sydney (Reply)
Mon 20 Oct 08 (10:03am)
Ok i have a suggestion for u..
she loves u thats why she is with u..now its ur turn to show how much u love her...if she is not interested in sex,take it easy..dont stress ur life..sex is important but not everything(which u can get for $50 anywhere) and discuss with her why is she behaving like this(remember dont argue..just listen to her),see if she is having some prob at work,if she is tensed or if there is anything in the realtion that she doesn’t like..make her understand that u love her not for sex..u love her because she means a lot to you..now for next one month forget about sex completley...dont talk abt that.( i mean if she starts the discussion then u should...but dont be the first to start any discussion abt sex).

for next one month ur goal is to make her understand that she is really important and u care for her..we usually get very little time to talk to our partners and we spend this time in bed..so talk to her when ur are with her,pamper her..give her little massage(non sexual).

after 1 month she will realize that she should discuss her problem with you...and then everything will be fine...and after that when you will be having good time( which i’m sure u will be) dont stop what u did for last one month..let her experiment with new positions..new ideas in bed…

and remember.. love is not only about good bed life..its about good life...girls need emotional support… if she gets that she is urs forever…

and dont think that breaking realtion helps.. if there i some problem u need to solve it now ...

this worked for me and i’m sure this will work for u as well.. good luck

bubble of thornbury/victoria (Reply)
Mon 20 Oct 08 (10:54am)
Has anyone else found that women tend to expect copious foreplay these days, but tend not to be all that willing themselves? I spent an hour plus getting ready with a girl recently, and not a moment of that did anything actually involve me! Once she was all excited and ready to go, she wanted to get straight to the sex and didn’t even concern herself with my needs!

I find this to be the case, frequently. It is assumed that men do not need or want foreplay.

I suffer from the opposite of the original poster - I struggle to reach orgasm. I can keep going, and going, and going, but it just doesn’t want to happen for me, in excess of 50% of the time. I need foreplay. I’m happy to give it. I’m quite proud of my ability in bed, but I can honestly say, I could count the amount of girls who have actually reciprocated in full, on one hand.

Charles (Reply)
Tue 21 Oct 08 (04:16pm)
Was my reply to Fumanchu somehow offensive? It’s a different opinion, is there a bias against happy defacto relationships on this blog. Must we all be in defective relationships to get a say? Bossy?

LittleMiss PI (Reply)
Wed 22 Oct 08 (07:42pm)