Transvestites and cross-dressing

Transvestites and cross-dressing: "Transvestites and cross-dressing
Written by Christine Webber, psychotherapist and Dr David Delivin, GP

What is a transvestite?

A transvestite is a person who likes to wear the clothes of the opposite sex.

Some dictionaries add the words 'for sexual pleasure', but this is not really true because many cross-dressers just feel comfortable – rather than sexually aroused – when they don the clothing of the other sex.

Transvestites often feel the need not just to dress, but to behave as a member of the opposite gender.

Who is most likely to cross-dress?

Some women dress up as men, but it's overwhelmingly men who like to dress as women.

Are transvestites gay?

Recent research has confirmed that most transvestites are not homosexual.

Do transvestites want to be women?

The vast majority of male transvestites like being men. They do not feel they are women trapped in male bodies and they have no desire to become female by taking hormones or having surgery to remove their male genitals.

In contrast, men who are uncomfortable about being male or who feel they are not male inside are said to have gender dysphoria. Dysphoria means a chronic feeling of discontent.

If this unhappiness and discomfort at being male leads them to take steps to change gender, they are then called transsexuals.

Some women also have gender dysphoria and seek to change sex, but they are a tiny minority of transsexuals.

Why do men cross-dress?

No one really knows why some men have this desire. Most men who cross-dress describe it as an outlet for stress, and they tend to want to dress up more during times of tension at work or at home.

Some men get relief from tension simply by wearing women's lingerie (usually silk) under their exterior male clothing. These guys often go no further than that with their cross-dressing.

Most transvestites, however, want to appear as female as possible in their outer garments and want to wear make-up.

Men who cross-dress are not mentally ill. Indeed, psychologists in the USA have decided that cross-dressing comes within the normal range of male sexuality unless it becomes a compulsive obsession.

Not every transvestite is a secret transvestite. The well-known medical journalist and writer Dr Vernon Coleman has often written about the enjoyment of wearing women's underwear.

Some individuals make their livings as transvestite artists (drag queens) on stage and in clubs. Other performers cross-dress because they seek to break down gender barriers, such as the famous stand-up comedy artist Eddie Izzard.

Telling other people

Should a transvestite reveal to his friends, family or even his partner that he is a cross-dresser?

This has to be done very carefully.

Many transvestites feel frustrated that they have to keep this part of their personality a secret, and sometimes their frustration erupts and leads to very sudden and unwise confessions in the workplace. But many colleagues are simply not ready to hear that Gerry becomes Geraldine at weekends.

Telling your wife or partner is also difficult.

Our advice to anyone thinking of telling a romantic partner, or indeed a colleague, sibling, friend or parent, is to first seek advice from one of the excellent support groups listed at the end of this factsheet.

Many men do tell their partners, and some of these partners enter into the spirit of the whole thing and actually help their men to dress as women. These guys are very lucky as their partners frequently stop them from making horrendous style mistakes!

One of us interviewed such a couple on a television programme called 'The Good Sex Guide Late'. This husband and wife in their 30s used to go out clubbing together as 'sisters' - heavily made-up and dressed in party clothes.

The wife really liked her husband's alter ego and said that his female side was so sensitive and loving that sharing it had enriched their marriage.

But few women are as happy with their man's transvestite behaviour as she was.

Sex and cross-dressing

A number of male transvestites want to go a bit further than dressing up and going out - they want to make love to women when they're 'acting female'.

In our experience, the majority of wives and girlfriends are definitely not happy with this scenario.

Some women do find that having sex with a man who is made-up and dressed as a woman can feel quite a turn on.

Far more females find the whole idea quite alarming and off-putting, and no man should attempt to force his partner into sex if she falls into this category.

Again, this is something to take advice about from people who have experience in this matter.

Dealing with guilt

Transvestites can be very calm and happy about their cross-dressing, especially if they belong to a good support group, have an interesting social life as their female persona, and have friends or family who accept their need to cross-dress.

We have recently found that the vast majority of guys like this never even think about having therapy, because they find their lives fine as they are.

However, men who feel overloaded with guilt should always seek counselling. They will invariably feel much better for talking over the situation with someone who is non-judgmental.

How to cross-dress

If you want to cross-dress in public you should be convincing. Many people cannot, or will not, understand why a man should want to dress as a woman, so it's important that men who do this make as good a job of it as possible.

Unfortunately, many guys who cross-dress fail to look very like a real woman. As a result, people snigger when they see them and sometimes act in a very hostile way. Sadly, cross-dressing can provoke violence from stupid and aggressive males.

Learning the art of dressing as a woman can make life much easier for a transvestite.

Support groups can provide advice on choosing the right clothes and make-up, but start by keeping things simple.

Avoid high heels, especially with sling-backs, until you have mastered walking in women's footwear. And avoid glittery cocktail dresses until you have practised moving, standing and sitting as a woman.

Some shops specialise in supplying women's clothing and shoes in men's sizes and in helping men to perfect their female look. Many sell a good range of wigs.

As a general rule, shop in a place that is liberal and accepting of different lifestyles. Clearly, if you live in a small town, you will excite comment if you shop for yourself in the local women's shoe or dress shop.

The law

Cross-dressing is not an offence in the UK, even under the recent Sexual Offences Act of 2003, which contains a seemingly inexhaustible list of sexual misdemeanours.

Nor is it illegal in most other western countries – though you could run into serious problems in many developing nations.

Twenty five years ago it was quite common for the British police to arrest a man who dared to go out in a dress.

It is now generally accepted that if a man encounters the police while dressed as a woman, he is as entitled as any other law-abiding citizen to courtesy and consideration.

Support groups

For transvestites

o The Beaumont Society is an organisation for transvestites, their partners, transgender people and those who have gender dysphoria. If you call 01582 412220 a recorded announcement will direct you to regional centres around the country. You can also visit www.beaumontsociety.org.uk or call their helpline on 07000 287878 between 1900 and 2300 on Tuesday and Thursday evenings.

o Transliving International (TLI) is another organisation for adults affected by issues concerning gender identity and cross-dressing. Visit www.transliving.co.uk or call 012....

o Transformation sells lingerie, shoes and clothes for cross-dressing. You can buy online at www.transformation.co.uk and they also have shops in London, Birmingham and Manchester.


For counselling

o Relate offer face-to-face counselling at branches up and down the country. They also offer email counselling, online counselling and phone counselling. For more details, visit their website or call 0845 130 4016 to make an appointment.

o British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can help you find a therapist through their website. Or you can contact them by phone on 0870 443 5252."