Not tonight darling - we men have lost our libidos: The surprising reason why women aren't having sex as often

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Monday, Apr 19 2010 9PM 6°C 12AM 6°C 5-Day Forecast

Not tonight darling - we men have lost our libidos: The surprising reason why women aren't having sex as often



By Maureen Rice

Last updated at 9:56 AM on 17th February 2010



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When Juliet Parks, 41, first met her husband George, 49, she described their sex life as 'wonderful'.





She recalls: 'Instead of going out on Saturday nights, we used to stay in, have a bath together, drink Champagne, then make love for hours.



'Afterwards we'd sit in our dressing gowns, talking, laughing and eating from the fridge, before going back to bed again. Sex was an event - something we both loved.'







Problems: Relationship experts say there are a number of reasons why men are losing their desire for their partners such as the rise in internet pornography





Ten years on, she says: 'We were having sex about two or three times a year, and it would last about ten minutes. He never even held my hand in the street any more. There was barely any physical contact.



'I tried everything I could to reignite his interest in me sexually. I sent the kids for a weekend to their grandmother's, bought sexy underwear, and even went onto an internet forum to find some new tips for turning men on.





'But nothing worked. He'd just say he was tired, or not well, or some other excuse. I gave up eventually because it was too humiliating and hurtful being rejected all the time.'



As heartfelt as her words are, it seems Juliet's situation is far from unusual. A survey this week revealed that women are not making love nearly as often as they think they should be.



More than a quarter of women over 35 surveyed said they 'never' have sex, while in Scotland that figure rose to 38 per cent.



So, what is at the heart of this phenomenon? It has always been known that women's libido is a complex entity. Are stressful jobs and complicated lives sapping our desire to make love? Do women inevitably lose interest once they've had children?





A recent book, The Sex Starved Wife by Michele Weiner Davis, argues there is another oft-ignored element to the debate, a troubling new trend: the decline of male desire.



Michele's book caused a storm when it was published in the U.S. as it brought into the open the subject of long-term relationships where it's the man who refuses to make love. Such relationships, it would seem, are far more common than anyone had ever realised.



A whole industry of sex advice in books and magazines - not to mention several generations of standup comedians - has led us to believe that men have urges while women have headaches.



But this book reveals that this couldn't be further from the truth.



'As a society, we've perpetuated this myth about the ever-turned-on-male,' says Weiner Davis. 'But all my research suggests that the differences between the genders aren't as great as we've been led to believe.'







Not interested: A recent study by Relate, the couples' counselling organisation, found that there was a 40 per cent rise in the number of men who had no desire to have sex with their partners









It's a finding that's been duplicated here in the UK. Recent research by Relate, the couples' counselling organisation, reported a 40 per cent rise in the number of men who didn't want to have sex with their partners, compared with ten years ago.



'It's a massive increase,' admits Paula Hall, a counsellor with Relate and the author of Improving Your Relationship For Dummies.







'Some of it can be put down to the fact that we are becoming more willing to admit to problems like this - it used to be considered too shameful even to talk about. But there are lots of other more complicated reasons, too.'



Bringing the subject into the open, she says, is the most important first step to fixing it.



'Wanting a sexual relationship and being rejected by your partner is hurtful and frustrating for anyone,' says Paula.





'But it can be especially devastating for women in this position, precisely because we're all led to believe that men always want sex and women don't.



'I've seen many women in relationships with "low- desire" men who think that they are somehow deeply unattractive or unfeminine, because they're the only woman they've ever known to have this problem. The unhappiness it causes, and it's negative impact on relationships, means it's too important not to talk about.'









More...

A quarter of women over 35 say they never have sex

Rowan Pelling's sex advice column: 'My lover can't find my G-spot - and he's been looking for two years'



There are many reasons why men are losing their desire for their partners, including the massive rise in internet pornography, and increased stress and anxiety around work and money.



'Twenty years ago, pornography was something you had to search out and buy,' says Paula Hall.





'Now it's on every home computer, and more and more men are ruining their sex lives as a result, because they can meet their desires without their wife.'







The 'cartoon images' of arousal and satisfaction in porn, she says, 'are also giving a whole generation of men ridiculously unreal expectations about what real sex is like.





They become unable to be aroused without the extreme stimulation of pornographic images, and their idea of what women like in bed is also warped.'



The recession, too, is creating extra stress on men.



'Extreme emotional states, such as stress and anxiety, affect men's libidos very negatively,' Paula Hall says.





'Huge numbers of men have lost their jobs, and many more are worried about losing theirs, or have to work extra hard to make up the work that used to be done by those who are now redundant.



'They go home to their wives with stress hormones coursing through their bodies, and they just can't feel arousal under those circumstances.'



This, in turn, can lead to another vicious cycle: performance anxiety.



'Between 20 and 30 per cent of men may experience problems with their ability to become aroused, or with climaxing too soon,' Hall adds.





'It's not surprising that fear of this happening again leads many men to close down and not to want to try at all.



'Of course, just because a man doesn't want to have sex with his partner doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't want to have sex with someone else.





Close: For couples who reignite a stagnant sex life, say experts, there are often surprising side-effects



'I saw one couple in counselling who embodied this problem. He was in his mid-50s, very good looking, and in good shape. She was 15 years older and had not aged so well.



'They'd been together for 20 years and he'd lost interest in having sex with her. But he wanted to stay married - he said he still loved her, and their lives were very entwined. He just wanted to have sex with someone new.'



She has also heard men complain that their wives have gained a lot of weight, that their bodies have changed too much, or that they 'don't make enough effort' to wax their legs or make themselves sexually appealing in other ways.



'This can be devastating for the woman to hear,' says Hall. 'He's supposed to love her, not her flat stomach.



'In a few cases, men really do just want something new and different. But in most it's either a hidden resentment - for example, a man will feel that if his partner has gained weight it's because she can't be bothered to make an effort for him any more - or simply that he has stopped seeing her as a sexual being.'



But according to Relate, the most common reason for low desire in men is 'relationship reasons'. Many women don't realise that men's levels of desire are closely linked to other aspects of the relationship - just like theirs are.



'Sex is connected to everything,' says Paula Hall. 'If he's angry or resentful about something - maybe you don't give him enough attention, or he thinks you nag him, or don't appreciate his work, or a hundred other reasons - his desire closes down, or he withholds sex as a way to express his anger.'



And then it just snowballs. The more he doesn't do it, the more he doesn't want to do it. She, in turn, becomes hurt and resentful, and the relationship gets worse.



Fix your relationship, says Hall, and watch the sex improve.



'You may not even know he's angry - he might be withholding sex to express something he can't express in any other way. You will have to be patient, not get into a blaming cycle, and try to resolve whatever the problem is.'



For Juliet, this was the route back to a satisfying sex life with George. Driven to the brink of divorce, they agreed to 'one or two sessions' of counselling as a last-ditch attempt to find out why things had gone wrong.



'I thought the counsellor would focus on why George wouldn't make love with me,' says Juliet, 'but instead she got us to describe our relationship when we were having sex; when things were good.'



It turned out to be the key. 'George and I got together relatively late - after he'd already been through one unhappy marriage and divorce.



'I used to worship him. I'd send him texts and emails, bought all his favourite foods, listened to him for hours. But after we had the children, five years ago, I just didn't have time for all of that.



'My nurturing instincts went on the children, and I expected George to support me. I didn't know it was making him feel lonely and locked out.'



After talking about it honestly, agreeing to help each other and to prioritise the relationship, the Parks are still happily together.



'Living together as a couple means sharing and closeness, while sexual desire needs mystery and difference'

'Sex isn't what it was in the early days, but 18 months after we admitted we had a real problem, it's good,' says Juliet.



'I feel as if we really connect again, and the important thing is that we talk about everything that we're feeling now, instead of bottling it up.'



But for Margaret Brooke, 45, and her partner Ben Hicks, the answer was not so simple. 'Our sex life was hot, fast and furious - until we moved in together,' says Ben, who is also 45.



'Now we do everything together - from the grocery shopping to watching TV to going to the football on Saturdays. Margaret will even sit on the floor and talk to me while I'm in the bath. We're closer than ever - but we're like best friends or brother and sister.'



According to therapist Esther Perel, the author of Mating In Captivity, this is at the heart of many sexual problems.



Nobody wants to sleep with their sibling, and the very nature of long-term relationships, with their shared domesticity and frazzled family rotas, means that's often, in effect, what we become - whether we realise it or not.



Living together as a couple means sharing and closeness, says Perel, while sexual desire needs mystery and difference.



Another relationship expert, Helen Fisher, of Rutgers University, believes that waning desire is due to the mellowing effect caused by brain chemicals as our relationships move through three distinct phases.



First is lust, when sex is at its most frequent; next comes romantic love, when it levels out but may become deeper and more intimate; and finally attachment, when it's something we fit in during the ten minutes between getting into bed and falling asleep, on weekends and holidays only.



'This is certainly true to some extent for many couples,' says Paula Hall. 'They love each other, but gradually stop seeing each other as sexual beings.



'The trick is to stay an individual within the couple, to have interests outside the relationship, and to celebrate your differences instead of trying to turn into one unit.'



For couples who reignite a stagnant sex life, she says, there are often surprising side-effects.



'You may find you argue more, or your conversations become more heated. When you bring the passion back in one area, it tends to affect other areas too.'



If your relationship is close, safe but sexless, Hall says a good trick may be to stop avoiding conflict, and start disagreeing and letting your feelings out. Create a more passionate relationship generally, and see how it changes the sexual dynamic.



Whatever the specific cause for a man's low libido within a relationship, Michele Weiner Davis believes it can be brought back.



'Sex and touching are the ties that bind,' she says. 'It will always be more important to some couples than others, but I don't buy the idea of the sexless couple. Human touch is so important.'



And Paula Hall says: 'It's important to remember that many long-term couples go on having great, rewarding sex throughout their lives.



'A little waxing and waning is normal and to be expected - but don't let yourself get into a rut. One of the biggest myths about desire - for men and for women - is that it's something that just happens.'



That, Hall says, is completely wrong: 'Don't wait to be in the mood. We've found that for plenty of men and women, a "kick start" is all they need. Watch a sexy film together, or flirt by text.



'Many men will get in the mood once they get started, even if they weren't ten minutes ago.'



From the research this week, perhaps it's advice that many women would do well to heed.







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Comments (122)

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Surely the point of this article,written by a woman,is to either have control of internet sex or eliminate it entirely,thats how I read it,the rest is just padding.

Have no doubt about it,the power of the internet is being fought for.I don't know who she thinks should have the power,the media or feminists.



- michael savell, brittany,france, 18/2/2010 23:41



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It's hard to want to sleep with a woman that you know has probably had 3 abortions and slept with 30 odd guys before they're 25.



It's probably why I see a lot of younger guys dating older women, who are still damaged goods(by being British alone) but not quite so broken as their younger counter-parts.



- Dudley, London, 18/2/2010 18:19



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My case is like Brian. I am in a loveless marriage for nearly 10 years.I suffered at the hands of a selfish and a mean woman who rejected me every time I tried to make love or get close to her. She is even abusive. Our marriage is now sexless and loveless. It is like living in hell.



We have not had sex in almost 7 years. We don't even touch each other. I can't wait to get out of this but staying put because my daughter is about 10 and want her to go to college. I keep telling myself, less than 10 year left. My wife know is well that I love my daughter and will be together till she grows old.



But then I will be old and things will be different when I am about 55. At this point I have more questions than answers.





- unfortunate,



- unfortunate dad, MA, USA, 18/2/2010 15:37



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@E. Australia

Nope...you couldn't be more wrong.

That's the problem with today's Western women . It's all so many of you seem to think about "Me , me , me !!! Gimme , gimme gimme !" You have no idea what it's like to be male and nobody is encouraging you to give it much thought either. When you get called on your narcissism , you try and blame the people pointing the finger at you . Everything is already about you but still you want more and won't take no for an answer. You have no idea how biased things are in your favour but you still refuse to consider that maybe , just maybe , Western men have had enough of your demands.

Asian women , contrary to the popular belief that so many Western women want to promulgate are neither subservient nor are they slaves to their husbands. What they ARE is considerate and appreciative. They are as ambitious and competitive as any Western woman but they still retain their femininity . In 20 more years maybe you'll see your blunder.



- Chris K., Expat in China, 18/2/2010 12:27



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Actually sex with the same woman quickly get boring. Most men would have more sex if they had a greater variety of woman. What puts a stop to sex is marriage. Getting married is the end of a man's sex life not the beginning of it.



Also women are so conceited. They think that they have to do nothing to be attractive and expect sex even when they look totally sexless and repulsive.



- Paul, Durham, 18/2/2010 09:05



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It might be that feminism is taking it's toll. You cannot compensate the denial of male sexuality by simply enhancing female physical sexuality. It probably does not work that way.



- Ivo Vos, Nijmegen, The Netherlands, 18/2/2010 08:51



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