Because of several private e-mails from you gentlemen, as well as things I've been hearing from other sources, it seems like a series on sexual frustration in marriage is over due.
Specifically, I'm talking about all of you guys who either are not having sex as often as you want/need to, and those of you who can have all you want, but find your wife to be uninterested, passive, and unwilling to initiate. The 10 of you who are left can ignore this weeks tips. (Gallows humour there, sorry.)
I know that some of you are in impossible situations, and I know there is no magic or one size fits all answer. But I also know couples married for many many years who have gone from little or no sex to lots and lots of sex - so it can and does happen.
Let's start this with prayer - with lots of prayer. Pray for her heart, pray for her to hear the truth, and pray for your ability to know what and when and how to deal with this. If you have a good mature Christian friend who can pray for this, enlist that prayer support. You can also use this anonymous form to ask the TMB prayer warriors to lift you up in prayer.
My suggestion is to read all the tips without trying to implement any of the ideas they contain. Continue in prayer, and give some serious thought to your wife and what may be the best way to approach her. May God grant us all wisdom, and give us favour with our wives.
Blaming the victim?
It seems that whenever a man mentions frustration over a lack of sex, the first thing said to him is "are you doing your part?" This is followed by a lot of suggestions on how to be more romantic, more caring, a better father, a better help to his wife, how to woo his wife, and so on. While none of this is bad advice, it's pretty frustrating to a fellow who has been knocking himself out to do all these things and more.
Both husband and wife have things they should be doing for each other, and the failures of one does not excuse or justify the other slacking off. While doing "your part" certainly does improve the odds that she will do "her part" it does not guarantee that she will. Neither does her failure to meet your sexual needs prove that you have failed. I've seen men who are sexually ignored even though their wife will admit he is as loving and giving as any woman could want her husband to be.
I say all of this as a lead in to talking about what you can do to "pave the way" for her to make some sexual changes. I want to be clear that I am not saying her reluctance or refusal is your fault, nor am I saying that you being "nicer" to her will magically fix things. However, there are things you should be doing to show her love. Aside from being the right thing to do, making sure you have these covered will mean she can not use them as an illegitimate defence for her refusal.
So, examine yourself and your relationship with your wife. Are you as loving and giving as you know God wants you to be? Do you help her, do you look out for her, do you try to find ways to meet her needs and her wants? Are there things she complains about?
Along these lines, let me suggest the book Gentlemen, Start Her Engine by Steven Andrew Guerrero. My wife says that the book is "a unique tool for customizing your efforts to understand and romance your wife" and that it's "a 'must read' for any man who wants to win his woman's heart."
The truth about your wants and needs
We hear from a lot of men who describe their sex drive as "high", and a lot of wives who say the same thing about their husband. I have come to realize that a sizable majority of men think their sex drive is significantly above average. Of course this can't be right - clearly what is being assumed to be "average" is below average.
So, what is "normal" or "average" or "right?"
There are physiological reasons why a man should feel a need for a release (ejaculation) at least every other day or so. But there is more to it than just your body. You love your wife, you desire her in many ways, you think about her sexually, and you see her less than fully dressed. All of these things add to your desire, creating a drive that is physical, emotional, mental and relational. This total sex drive can be much greater than just the physical need for release you feel.
With all of this in mind, I would say it is not at all unreasonable or excessive for a man to desire sex daily. Put another way, wanting to have sex with your wife every day is normal and acceptable.
So what would be "too high" a drive? What would be "unacceptable?" If you felt that having sex six times a week would not meet your need, then I would say you have a problem. I'm not saying you should not want or feel capable of more sex than this, but if you don't feel that almost every day would be "enough" then you may be trying to use sex to fill other needs.
You may wonder why this all matters. Does knowing your drive is normal help you in any way? It certainly can! We have heard from several men who said they did not feel confident talking to their wife about their sexual frustrations until they knew their drive was normal and valid. Think of it as the difference between asking for a raise you know you have earned and deserve, and asking for a raise simply because you want or need it. You have more confidence in the first situation, and that confidence will show when you make your request.
Can you convince your wife that your sex drive is normal? Don't count on it. She has been fed the same lies you have, and she does not have the personal experience you have to counter those lies. It's not a battle that you can win unless she chooses to reject the lies. It's fair to let her know you no longer believe the lies, but don't feel you have to prove it to her.
Life happens
If you are regularly told "no" for sex, or she is there but passive and uninvolved, there is some problem that needs to be dealt with. But there are also things in life that interfere with sex for all women, even those who want and enjoy sex. My wife calls these "life happens" events. Things like stress and lack of good sleep inhibit good sex. Being pregnant or having recently given birth can inhibit sex, and having small children can be a big block. Illness or ongoing pain can also interfere with sex.
Add one of more of these "life happens" events to a woman who is predisposed to not wanting sex, and things get much worse. A woman may also use these life happens events as an excuse for her lack of interest in sex. Then what?
Trying to get your wife to work on sex when she has what could be a "legitimate" reason for not wanting sex is not likely to get you very far. You are better off waiting for the legitimate reason to pass, or working to end the reason. If your wife is always too busy, you need to figure out how to change that. If the kids are depleting her, you need to find ways to take some of the load. If she is worried, what can you do to help resolve her worries?
Basically I'm saying clear up as many things as you can before you make an effort to deal with the sexual issue, and pick your time wisely.
Is that all you ever think about?
Do you hear "Is that all you ever think about?" or "All you want is sex" or "You can't be satisfied" or something similar on a regular basis?
There are several issues here. If you are "sexually starved" then it's not surprising you think about sex all the time. If you have not eaten in 12 hours you would be focused on food, if you needed a bathroom an hour ago and still had not found one, you would be focused on that.
What about the claim that you can't be satisfied? If you had not eaten in 12 hours, and then got one cookie to eat, would you stop feeling hungry? You would enjoy the cookie, but it would not fill you up, and you would remain hungry. Having sex once a week is the same way - you enjoy it, but it does not "fill you up" and your are thus feeling a need again very soon.
The explanations above may help you in trying to answer these criticisms, but there is something deeper that you need to understand about her thinking. She may feel that you only do loving things for her when you want sex, or that you are unkind to her after you get sex. Some guys are this way, but even if you are not intentionally doing this it may look that way to her.
If you have found that having sex requires getting her "in a good mood" then you will naturally work at getting her into a good mood when you are going to ask for sex. Are there certain thing you only (or almost only) do or say when you are going to ask for sex later? If so, you can be sure she has noticed this, and is hurt and probably angry about it. And can you blame her?
The other way this can happen is less obvious. It's been several days since you've had sex, and you just learned that some money you were expecting has been delayed. You need to tell your wife about it, but if you tell her today you know the chance of having sex will be greatly reduced. Despite holding the bad news, you don't have sex. The next day on the way home from work you become aware that the car has a problem which is going to cost a pretty penny to fix. The repair bill plus the delayed money means you won't be able to go on that vacation she has been looking forward to. But once again you hold the bad news, lest it prevent sex. A few hours later you have had sex, and you say "By the way, honey, that big check was delayed, the car needs work, and we won't be able to go on the trip we planned. Love you, good night."
If this is a one time event it's no big deal, but if you have a habit of holding bad news till after sex, you will be regularly dumping on her right after sex, or on the day after sex. Even if she does not consciously see the pattern, it's going to affect her. She is going to start connecting having sex with you to bad news - not a good plan!!
The touch catch22
One of the big things that will get a "is that all you ever think about" response is touching her. She may assume that any touch is a request for sex, and even if she says nothing she may stiffen and close down because of this. Maybe you back off from touching her because of this, maybe you don't, but either way she has lost out on vital non-sexual touching because she is worried about it leading to an expectation of sex.
Aside from reducing your general level of intimacy, the lack of touch is robbing her of something she desperately needs. A lack of touch is harmful to humans, while regular touch is beneficial both physically and mentally. Additionally, touch releases a hormone that plays an important part in female sexual arousal. For more on the importance of touch, see Oxytocin: The Bridge Between Touch and Sex.
You see the catch 22 - trying to avoid sex results in less touch, which results in less sex drive, which results in more avoidance of sex .....
The why
Why your wife is uninterested in or does not enjoy sex is an important issue, and one which will affect how you go about dealing with the issue. If her lack of interest is a result of stress and business, you will want to do thing differently than if she feels that sex is "dirty and sinful."
Of course she may not be fully aware of why she does not want sex, or she may be lying to herself about it - so how are you supposed to know? Lori and I have put together a list of possible ideas that you can use as a tool for trying to narrow down the issue(s). So have a prayerful look at Lack of Desire.
Forming a plan of attack
I know, all of this is nice, but how does it get your wife to be more willing to have sex - right?
There is no sure fire plan - but understanding the situation better can help. We've heard from several men who did see positive changes after they lovingly talked to their wives about the situation. Exactly what you should say will depend on her, you, your relationship, what is happening in your lives right now, and what exactly you want.
Be loving and gentle. Let her know you love her, and you want her in every way, including sexually. Ask how you can help, or what she might like you to change, or if anything you are doing or not doing is making sex undesirable or unenjoyable for her. Give her an idea of what you want, and then give her some time. Choose a time and or place when it's obvious you can't immediately have sex so she does not feel she is expected to start pulling off her cloths right then and there.
Then pray and wait. If you see efforts on her part, be appreciative. Don't expect massive changes all at once, and be prepared for things to be two steps forward and one step back. If you see no change after a few weeks, talk to her again. Let her know that the situation is painful and difficult for you, and that you really need her to work on changing it. Offer to get some help for one or both of you.
Finally, if you make an attempt at a change, I'd appreciate feed back on how it goes. Let me hear the good, the bad, and the ugly. There are a lot of men dealing with this problem, and the more I learn from all of you, the better I can help others. If I get some good ideas or reports of things that were well received, I'll pass them along down the road. You all have my prayers for wisdom and grace as you approach your wife about this.
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Resource, Paul Byerly. The Generous Husband, Marriage Bed, Inc., http://www.the-generous-husband.com/frustration.shtml
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