Every long-term or significant relationship encompasses hundreds of issues -- some right on the surface, others deeply buried and never spoken aloud. Even in the latter cases, it's easy for me to see when I spend time with a couple, that they may have fallen into one of what I call the "Big 8" relationship issues and can't seem to find their way out. This week I'll go into the first four "destroyers," before covering the second-four next time.
Brushing things under the rug. Many concerns get ignored, overlooked and buried because the daily rush of work and child-raising leaves no time for discussion, because one partner dreads confrontation, etc. However, brushing problems and issues to the side only makes for a big bump or pile to trip over later. You can only walk around this pile for so long; at some point one or both of you will explode. I advise couples that when something about your relationship or partner is on your mind and bothering you, assess if it's important or not. If it's a small issue, drop it or vent to a friend. If it's a big issue, find the time to address it immediately and in a calm way. Don't wait months or years for suppressed rage to finally burst out. Deal with conflict as it happens.
Not listening/talking too much. A very common complaint I hear as I meet with many, many couples is that their partner doesn't listen to them. Think back to when you were dating. Remember when every single word out of your dates mouth was fascinating; you couldn't wait for them to call, to hear what they thought about anything and everything? Are you distracted, too worried about the kids or your job? Are you bored with hearing your partner complain endlessly about work without doing anything about it and tuning out? Once you can get a handle on why one or the other partner no longer listens, we can dig into the deeper issues. But any issue at all will be nearly impossible to fix unless both parties are paying attention.
Unreasonable expectations. Unreasonable expectations are exactly that -- unreasonable. And they can crop up at nearly any point in a relationship. Many men and women have them about the institution of marriage, and become quickly disenchanted with the partner once they are married. That goes double for child-raising, when lack of sleep, stress and financial pressure bring out conflicts in nearly every couple in the world. The list of areas where people have unrealistic expectations are nearly endless: how their partner should look, the job they should have, how much money they should earn, and on and on. When I talk with couples, I encourage each person to tell me what they want and expect in certain areas of conflict that are especially heated; then we can examine whether or not their expectations are reasonable or even possible to attain.
Blaming your partner for the problems. Refusing to accept your part in the deterioration of any relationship generally manifests as blaming and finger-pointing. Very few people enjoy apologizing and admitting that they have could have done things differently. But for some extremely defensive people to do so is not just difficult, but impossible. For whatever reason (their childhood, a previous relationship where they felt powerless, pride) some men and women simply cannot admit that they may be contributing to problems in the relationship. Everything gets turned around to: But he did this first! Or, I never did anything wrong, she had the affair… They keep score, and they are always blameless. In cases like this I hope that we will be able to show the hypervigilant mate that this is about saving a relationship, not keeping score, and that no one is perfect or needs to be.
If you haven't yet found any of these four relationship destroyers in yourself or your relationship, congratulations. If you're facing seemingly unconquerable struggles, those issues and some suggestions will be in my next post!
In my previous post, I focused on the first four relationship destroyers. In this one, I'll cover the next four. It's important to note that these are in no particular order of priority, and that relationships can move in and out of these challenges over time. It's important to be aware of these destroyers both to prevent them from happening and to repair when they're already happening.
Living in the past. If you have a problem with your service or food at a restaurant, do you tell your server about every problem you've ever had at that restaurant your entire life? Or do you just get down to the complaint at hand? Relationships are the same. Talk about what's happening now. Bringing up issues and problems in the past – once – may be helpful in establishing a relationship history. To complain over and over about past events only dilutes the current issue, leaving the other person worn out, overwhelmed and likely to tune out about your current complaint.Respect. A very popular premarital study years ago conclusively showed that couples who spoke to each other with a lack of respect -- talking down to one another; downplaying your mate to others; yelling or showing other abusive behavior -- is a surefire relationship killer. Most relationships I see that end in a breakup have this element. Stategies for better, more dynamic communication can be taught, but the real question is why be married to someone you don't respect? You can use tools or learn new ones to build the level of respect with your partner. Treat them how you'd like to be treated and hold their feelings and thoughts in high regard.
Trust issues. The foundation for every solid relationship is based on trust. Honesty is the best policy applies more than ever in intimate relationships. This means being truthful about how you think, what you feel and what you're doing. You should have your partner's back and they should have yours. Sadly, many of us grew up in homes where trust between parents was fractured and this childhood history can lead any of us down a similar relationship path.
Selfishness. By either side. If you need it to be all about you, then maybe you should either live alone, and date as many people as you can handle; or go hire a team of people to cater to your every need. Relationships are about give and take. You should want your partner to be as happy and content as you are. It's only natural to want it your way: on your birthday, for a particular vacation or meal, let's say. But if you're not asking your partner what they want and need and exerting effort to provide many of those things, then you're in for conflict, resentment and the likelihood that they won't want to work towards giving you what you want and need.
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