Once you've found someone you'd like to get intimate with, there's often another hurdle: mustering the confidence to let him see you naked, vulnerable and (one hopes) in the throes of mad, out-of-control, face-contorting ecstasy.
Sexual insecurities can interfere with your good time, regardless of how long you've known your partner. In an exclusive online poll of more than 5 100 women, GLAMOUR found that most of these issues are similar to ones that keep you from fully enjoying life in general, such as worries about your body or fear of falling short of others' expectations.
And while the person you're involved with can tell you as loudly and often as possible that, "No, you most certainly do not look fat", the most reliable source of confidence, of course, is you.
To help you become bolder in bed, we looked at seven common inhibitions and spoke to women who've overcome them.
Their hard-won, mattress-tested tips will shore up your sexual self-assurance.
1. Forget feeling fat
A staggering 88 percent of women told us that "feeling fat" intrudes on their good time, and 71 percent fret that their partner won't like what they see when the clothes are in a pile in the corner. Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but mostly it's in the eye of the owner. That would be you.
"I'm a big girl," says Natasha, 36. Her body confidence was ingrained early, in part thanks to a glamorous aunt. That aunt's fingers were deformed due to an illness, Natasha says. "But I never noticed because she was so confident and beautiful to me."
Natasha's memorable fling with "a hot 21-year-old guy" didn't hurt her confidence either. "I thought, "Not everyone is going to think I'm sexy, but there is going to be someone"," she says.
Tania, 29, used to wear a padded bra before she met her husband. "I'd be making out with a guy, he'd go to touch my chest and I'd squirm away," she says. Then it dawned on her: "Men are so psyched when we're naked, so I doubt any guy would complain unless you had a penis," she says.
For proof, peruse the adults-only section of a video store. "There's porn for men who like big butts, who like scrawny butts, flat chests, everything," she says. "Men think many different attributes are sexy."
What's more, when you're having sex, you're animated and enjoying yourself, not standing in front of the mirror, scanning for imperfections. He's looking for what's beautiful and sexy about you, not for evidence that you're unattractive.
If reminding yourself of this truth doesn't help, use the advice of Rachel, 37: pretend you're Scarlett Johansson on a good day, every day. "I told myself that I deserved to go out and have fun, dance, eat a good meal, dress beautifully, have sex," Rachel says.
It worked so well that she wrote a book about it: I'm Beautiful Dammit! (Terrace Publishing, R90, www.amazon.com). "The more attractive I've acted, the more I've felt it. And the better I feel about myself in bed."
2. Take your time
Who gets to decide how many minutes are too many to have an orgasm" Some porn movie in which women go off like fireworks on Guy Fawkes Day"
To the 77 percent of women who worry about the time factor: you get to decide. "I've had men complain that I came too fast and some who nagged that I took forever," says Marisa, 24. Recognising that disparity has made her comfortable with her own pacing - you can't please everyone, so you may as well please yourself. A good idea, because worrying about how long it takes you to climax is the surest way to stop it happening.
Of course, people get tired. If Marisa is feeling slow, she'll, "switch the focus to him until I get more turned on, suggest we bring in a toy or offer to finish myself," she reveals.
If your speed makes you anxious, relaxing about it can improve your relationship. "I had a fear that I wouldn't be able to get into sex, so I turned my boyfriends down," says Sheila, 39. "After I met my husband, I told him of my concerns about not being able to become aroused, and he said, "Relax, it's just sex. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. But it's not that big a deal'."
That eased the pressure, as did her realisation that it was OK to read an erotic magazine to get in the mood. "Besides, the more you have sex, the less pressured it becomes," Sheila says.
3. Mix things up
Fear of being boring in bed plagues 67 percent of our respondents. If you feel this way, is it possible that you're not boring in bed so much as bored" Either way, the remedies are the same: ask yourself, what could make things more compelling" Different positions" Clothing" Venue" Then surprise yourself. Talk to your partner about it; maybe he's eager to try something that you are, too.
"Women need to work out what turns them on," says Alix, 27. "Grab a vibrator and explore! Once you know what works for you, you'll have the language to describe your desires and fantasies to others." Sometimes, boredom is nothing a frank coffee session with the girls can't cure. "Speak freely with your friends about sex - you can learn a lot," says Felecia, 27. "If you can't bring yourself to say embarrassing things, listen to what the others say."
4. Rewrite history
You remember high school guys telling jokes about a girl having a funky vaginal odour, and you've heard too many seafood metaphors. It's no wonder 70 percent are concerned about their smell.
Don't go crazy with cleansers - and certainly not with douches, which have been linked to pelvic inflammatory disease. Most likely, you smell fine. Take it from someone who examines 2 500 women a year. "Everyone has a different odour, which is not a bad odour," says gynaecologist Dr Jessica Schneider, adding, "If you notice a change, like irritation or an unusual discharge, see your doctor. Otherwise, don't do anything differently. Wash your vagina as you would the rest of your body."
5. Relax to receive
Not being able to enjoy oral sex, which 64 percent say they struggle with, comes from the idea that you aren't allowed to sit back, relax and enjoy. Well, you are. Men don't generally have any problem with receiving pleasure, so why should you"
"It's not selfish," Natasha says. "If he's there, he wants to be. Men like to feel they can give you what you need." Drop the idea that you're putting him through hell ordeal. The only thing that will keep him from enjoying it is if he thinks you're not.
6. Go natural
Hair elsewhere than on your head can make some women self-conscious. "Hirsuteness - excessive hair growth in areas that normally have minimal hair - was the bane of my existence," Marisa says; 48 percent of you currently worry about it. The key to getting over this is perspective.
Marisa now waxes only her bikini line and underarms. "I used to warn men, "My legs are hairy,' but not one cared," she says. "That kind of grooming has nothing to do with solid relationships."
For some women, being confident is a matter of principle. "I didn't want to have to get rid of hair that's natural to me and all grown women," says Angie, 35. Having such firm beliefs on the subject has empowered her, building her confidence in bed.
"If a guy wants to sleep with a little girl, he can go elsewhere," she says. "This is who I am, and I want to be able to be myself in bed. Besides, when you're really getting down to it, who's noticing hair""
7. Know you're fine
People are used to seeing penises; vaginas are hidden. That doesn't mean they're unattractive, as 44 percent of women fear. Flip through Femalia (Down There Press, R211.43, Exclusive Books), which contains close ups of real vulvas, to dispel the notion that yours is strange.
"I've had patients say to me, "I've looked in Playboy, and I don't look like that.' But I tell them it's like a face - there's a huge variation in what's normal," Jessica says. If you think yours is not, ask your doctor.
No matter what, as Marisa puts it, "I don't think men are interested in a vagina for how it looks, but for what it does."
Published on the Web by IOL on 2007-05-17 07:12:31
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
© Independent Online 2005. All rights reserved. IOL publishes this article in good faith but is not liable for any loss or damage caused by reliance on the information it contains.
No comments:
Post a Comment