Making time for sex

Making time for sex

Making time for sex


Written by Christine Webber, psychotherapist and lifecoach and Dr David Delvin, GP and family planning specialist


You might think that this seems quite a lightweight or lighthearted topic for this website, but it is in fact a very important one.


Make sex a priority.


In our consulting room, we are seeing more and more people who are seeking help with their relationships because – basically – they are having very little sex, or none at all.

These are usually attractive, normally sexed people who just can’t seem to get it together. And the usual reasons for this unhappy state of affairs include:


long working hours for one or both partners


daily commuting


stress


feeling that life is completely out of balance


resentment in the relationship


fatigue.


Sometimes indeed such couples phone us to try to arrange an appointment in the hope that we can help them put things right, and they can’t actually find a time when they can both come to see us.

This, frankly, is a crazy state of affairs. And many people in this predicament could actually help themselves, without the need for any therapeutic intervention, if only they made having time together a top priority.

So, here are some hints and tips to help you to do just that. Crucially you:


need to find more romantic time together


must schedule sex into your busy lifestyle.


As a sex therapist, I can vouch for the fact that when people get out of the habit of loving in a sexual way, it can be extraordinarily difficult to get back into it.

So use it - or lose it!

First you need to realise that living together - whether or not you're married - can take the anticipation out of sex. And anticipation is not just utterly delicious in itself; it's a useful tool for heightening your passion during the act - when you finally get to it.

Cast you mind back to those delectable days at the beginning of your relationship. Remember how you used to wander round in a cloud of desire when you knew you were going to meet up that evening?

Can you recall your breathless excitement as you put on fresh, crisp sheets in the morning, hoping they'd be well rumpled before the night was through?

Well, all that build-up makes for terrific sex. And it's hard to replicate it once you're sharing the mortgage and, supposedly, can 'do it' anytime.

So think 'occasion'. Think 'variety'. Think 'naughtiness'. And - most of all - think 'time and space'.

Delights before dinner

Don't always leave your lovemaking till bedtime. After a meal and a bit of television viewing the tiredness and strains of the day tend to catch up, leaving you with one desire only - to sleep.

So, try having sex before supper. Once a week, come home and go straight to bed with a cup of tea, a glass of wine, a few snacks and a mind to devote yourself to your partner for the next 90 minutes.

Early evening sex is definitely wicked - and all the better for that - and afterwards, your flushed, leg-trembling satisfaction will turn even a boil-in-the-bag dinner into a romantic feast.

Date in the back row

Decide to see a film right after work. But even if you're both employed in the same office, get ready separately and make your own way to the cinema so you can engineer a romantic meeting in the ticket queue - then make sure you sit in the back row.

Do enjoy the film - but remember that the object of this exercise is to enjoy each other more. So, hold hands and kiss and snuggle up together and have fun.

By the end of the movie you should be in a really romantic and sexy mood. But delay your desire while you go for a meal, making sure that you do plenty of kissing, and arm stroking between mouthfuls.

I guarantee that when you finally get home, you'll be tearing each other's clothes off before you're inside your front door.

Mid-week match

People make the mistake of believing that sex should always be spontaneous. Trouble is, you can wait and wait for the perfect moment. But it, and you, might never come. So there's nothing wrong with picking one night a week to be a regular sex fixture. That way, you can plan ahead by getting more sleep the night before and getting in a saucy mood on the day. A reminder by note or phone increases the anticipation. One lawyer friend of mine sends his girlfriend an e-mail on their special days saying: 'Please fit me into your crowded schedule tonight!' It never fails.

Foreplay on the 5.55

Commuting knocks the stuffing out of you, and if the two of you have to face a long journey twice daily, it's small wonder that you haven't much energy for sex and loving.

But instead of dreading the trip home, turn it into a treat. Sit snugly together, hold hands and talk romantically to each other.

The phantom weekend away

Articles about perking up your sex life always insist that you should get away for sexy breaks. So you should. You know that - and I know that. But it isn't always practical, or financially possible.

Instead, you should pretend to everyone that you're going away, but then settle down for a raunchy weekend in your own home.

With no parents expecting to see you, and no friends dropping in to watch the big game, you can chill out any way you want.

Of course, a stay-at-home weekend takes some arranging, but it's well worth the bother. You do any essential laundry and housework midweek and reserve Thursday night for shopping for all those light, tempting, luxury, sexy foods you don't usually allow yourselves.

Then, come Friday, you set your answer-phone before work saying that you're away and - hey presto! - the scene is set for your sexy break at home.

Creeping in on Friday night, making sure no one spots you, is all part of the fun. So is refusing to answer the doorbell during the weekend. There are several advantages to this break-away-at-home:


it's much cheaper than going away


there's no travelling involved


you can sleep as much as you want


you can catch up on all those recorded videos that you've kept meaning to view


you can have sex - in your own bed - right through the weekend.


Finally some extra tips for parents

Couples who not only work, but who are parents too, have double the problems when it comes to romance. But this is a period in your life when you really need all the close and loving contact you can get. So, it's important to arrange time to enjoy each other's bodies as much as possible.


Cultivate baby-sitting relatives

Cultivate every relative you can muster, and gratefully accept all offers of baby-sitting for nights, days and whole weekends.

Grandparents are the usual source of doting help, but childless aunts and uncles generally long to play part-time parent, and they're often so brilliantly inventive at activities, that your kids won't want to come home! Meanwhile you can play…


Sleep-overs

This modern trend, which kids love, can really give your relationship a boost. So get together with the parents of all your children's friends and fix some sleep-overs for your 10-year-olds and older.

Of course, you'll have to take your turn at being the host family and finding space for half a dozen kids and their sleeping bags, but this is a small price to pay for the freedom you'll get on the other occasions when your kids are the guests.


The important thing for parents is to try to recreate the feelings you had as a couple before you had children. This takes time and energy, but the dividends for your relationship far outweigh any effort.

So even when the children are at home and it’s mid-week and you’re busy, and you don’t think that sex can possibly be on the cards, do try to keep your romantic levels topped up by having a child-free meal in the evenings wherever possible. And do try at these meals to dress up for each other and also to discuss topics that don’t include your children.

When you create a romantic setting – one in which you can laugh and talk and play music and have some fun – then you keep your love alive and you create an atmosphere in which sex is not just possible but likely.





Last updated 23.03.2005