My girlfriend doesn't want sex anymore

My girlfriend doesn't want sex anymore

Question

My girlfriend and I have been going out for about 18 months, and we have been living together for six months.

When we started the relationship, sex was very good and quite regular at least two or three times a week but over the last five to six months it has been not so regular - once a fortnight if that. We are still quite close and affectionate with each other, so there seems to be nothing wrong there.

But I feel she is no longer interested in sex with me because when I try to come on to her, she always says she is tired or has a headache. I feel quite let down by this -- as she says she still wants me to come on to her even though she will probably say no.

I feel so confused and scared to approach her sexually as I am afraid she might say, 'No'. She never comes on to me or suggests making love. If I try to touch her she moves away from me or sighs. She keeps telling me that she loves me and that she finds me very sexy.

We are due to get married in a little under six months' time and I am worried this is going to carry on into the marriage. I love her very much and I pay her compliments all the time. I have tried talking to her about this and she tells me I am just worrying about nothing and that there are more important things in the relationship that sex.

I have even tried giving her a few weeks' space to see if this would help but it didn’t. I don’t know what else to do to get her interested in a sex life.

Answer

David writes:

This young lady may well have psycho-sexual problems, and it certainly appears that she has a sex drive that is much less than yours.

Under these circumstances, going ahead and marrying her would carry quite a risk. I'm sorry. Let's see what Christine thinks ...

Christine adds:

Sorry to say this, but I feel it would be real folly for you to go ahead with the marriage in present circumstances. David is absolutely right about this.

We spend much of our time answering emails from married people who are unhappy because their sex drives are incompatible. Please don't join their number.

But, before you simply dismiss her sex drive as being less than yours - which it may well be - I do think perhaps it would be worth looking at whether or not sex is good for her. It is possible that she's not keen on it because she doesn't really 'come', or because you're not doing the kind of things that will arouse her and help her to orgasm.

So my best suggestion is that you make an appointment for the two of you at your local Family Planning Clinic. An experienced woman doctor there will help you to put things right if it is merely a matter of technique.

She may also be able to help if the problem is one of attitude caused by a strict or restrictive upbringing. I don't know what kind of parenting your girlfriend had, but it could be that this is responsible for her not wanting more sex.

However, if the Family Planning Clinic fails to sort you both out and if there's nothing wrong with technique and your girlfriend's upbringing was open and liberal, then I think you have to assume that she is just not as interested in sex as you are. In which case, please think very carefully whether – at the tender age of 28 – you’re prepared to settle for much less sex, long term, than you feel you want and need.

Best wishes.

Yours sincerely

Dr David Delvin, GP and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert

Last updated 13.09.2006