I'm not an enthusiastic participant...

Dreading Sex?

Aloha Eve,
I've been married for several years - my husband and I have an excellent relationship - we love each other dearly and we both find each other very physically attractive. We are best friends and spend as much time together as we can. When we first met, we had fantastic sex. We then went through a rough period for about 9 months where our relationship was rocky. During this time, he was verbally abusive to me, I started dreading sex because I was hurt, felt unloved and disrespected and he'd pressure me into it even though I didn't want to. We eventually worked out the verbal abuse thing and for the last 2 years, he has been a wonderful loving husband, yet I still dread sex, which he wants all the time. I've been trying really hard to give it to him every other day, although I'm not an enthusiastic participant.
My husband and I are so very much in love, and yet I know this sex issue is going to build up and damage us very soon. He wants me to want it and be into it. I want to want that too, but something about the way he approaches me just turns me off. Sometimes I think it might be a control/power issue. Can you please help me?
Thanks!

Aloha!
We humans are a bit complex. In addition to our rational adult self, we also have a whole host of other sub-personalities-like our inner child, inner teenager, inner critic, …and we have sexual sub-personalities, as well. Imagine for a moment we are like a school bus and our rational self is the driver and our sub personalities are in the seats behind us giving us their two-cents on which way our lives should turn. When we are mentally healthy, we can listen to the input of our sub-personalities, but still remain in the driver's seat as we make decisions. When we are mentally unstable (which can be in any given moment due to sleep, food, etc), we let the sub-personalities drive the bus.
While your rational self has made peace with your husband, there is likely a sub-personality that was deeply hurt (or re-injured, triggering old pain from something else). In my experience, ongoing resentment and hurt has to do with unexpressed or unheard feelings. Since you and your husband have made peace, my sense is that this isn't so much stuff you need to express to your husband as stuff your rational self needs to listen to from your injured sub-personality, and heal. There may be things left unsaid between you and your husband, but the issue sounds to be more internal than external. When your sub-personalities don't feel heard, they self-sabotage. Then you find that “you cut off your nose to spite your face.”
I recommend that you do some journaling with yourself and dialog between your rational self and your sub-personalities and find out what is going on. Lucia Capacchione has a great book called “The Power of Your Other Hand” that explains how you can dialog between your rational self (with a pen in your dominant hand) and your sub-personality (with a pen in your non-dominant hand). It may be that a sub-personality is mad at you (rather than at your husband) for choices you have made and thus doesn't feel safe. Allow your sub-personality to express to you what it is angry about, how it is hurt, what it is afraid of, what part it plays in your situation, what it wants and what it appreciates about you, your marriage, husband and sex. Then, just like you would with an external person, go about problem solving and coming to agreement so that you are on the same team with creating a dynamic and healthy sexual relationship with your husband.
Here is the good news, in addition to your injured sub-personality, you also have a sexual self that still finds your husband attractive and who enjoys sharing intimate time with him. Your sexual self didn't go away, she just got sent to the very back seat of the bus. Your job is to invite her into the driver's seat when opportunities for intimacy arrive. If you don't like the way your husband approaches you, try approaching him and thus beating him to the punch.
I am quite certain that you can restore the sexual health in your relationship as you learn to manage your internal power struggle between different aspects of yourself.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: Who is in your “driver's seat”?

Love Tip: Power and Control issues are not usually between us and another person, they are between one aspect of ourselves and another-between our head and our heart, our ego and our spirit. As we learn to heal our internal relationships, our external ones heal, as well.

Posted by Eve Eschner Hogan at 4:29 PM 2 comments
Labels: Sex Advice
When Is It Right to Start a Sexual Relationship?
Hello Eve,
Can you tell me when is the right time to start a sexual relationship with a man?
I'm not a teen, but never felt comfortable with this.
Thanks.

Aloha,
This is a difficult question to answer because there isn't a set recipe of “right or wrong” timing. This decision depends entirely on each individual's own values, interests, attractions, etc. It is actually easier to tell you when starting a sexual relationship is likely to lead you to difficult consequences, rather than when it is okay to go forward.
It is unwise to start a sexual relationship when:

• It goes against your spiritual or moral convictions.
• You are too young (or too vulnerable) to handle the potential consequences.
• He (or she) is married or otherwise involved-or you are.
•You haven't spent enough time together to know whether there is any attraction beyond the physical.
• When substances are influencing your decision.
• You don't know what having sex with him means…does it mean you are exclusive and monogamous, having an affair, having a one-night stand? It is important to know so that you can determine whether that is all right with you.
• You aren't really interested in him, but giving in is easier than turning him down or loneliness is influencing your decision or you are saying yes in order to keep him in your life.
• You don't have protection from pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.
• You would be embarrassed to tell your best friend.
• You will feel bad about it in the morning and have less self-respect than you would if you didn't have a sexual relationship with him.
Know that every decision has a potential set of consequences and you need to be sure that you can accept and take responsibility for the consequences-physical and emotional-that may come about. Ask yourself the “what if” questions-what if you have sex and then you don't hear from him again? What if you were to get pregnant? What if you then found out he was dating other people? Ask yourself how you would feel under these circumstances and then see if you know yourself and him enough to begin a sexual relationship.
I know I am making all this sound very logical and sexual involvement with someone seldom has much logic to it. So ultimately, the best way to know is to trust your gut instincts and do what feels right and what you know you will be able to love yourself for the next day.
So, what did I just say? For some people it may work to be sexually involved right away (however, seldom is that a wise decision.) For others it is the right time after spending a month or two dating. For others it isn't right until there is an exclusivity agreement. For others it isn't right until they are married. The ultimate question is, when is it right for you?
With much aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What do you need to know, or feel, before it is right for you to begin a sexual relationship?

Love Tip: Typically we pick our partners by “looks good” or “feels good” only to get involved too quickly, discovering that the relationship really isn't “good.” Rather than letting your body decide, use your head, along with your heart to make decisions that are in alignment with your goals and values.