Dating Tips: Why Won't He Commit?
Experts and readers answer our members' toughest dating and relationship questions
By Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.; Caroline Presno, Ed.D., P.C.C., and Chelsea Summers Updated: Oct 14, 2008
Single Woman Online Dating
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"I've been in an on-again, off-again relationship with a man for 3+ years. He had been married for 20+ years. I was close friends with him for three years before that. After his separation, we decided to start dating. He was very upfront with me about his desire to date around a bit because he had not been 'out there' for some time and wants to see what he's been missing. We agreed to be nonexclusive (although I've never liked the idea much). I felt he deserved and needed it.
"Over the last three years, we have taken a couple of short (about a week in length) 'breaks' to step back and reassess our situation. One of us always calls the other and we end up getting back in our 'comfort zone.' We have a great time together, are still great friends, laugh a lot, the sex is great and we do not fight at all. We seem to be extremely compatible.
"The problem is, he says he loves me but feels he is not 'madly in love' with me like he feels he should be after all this time. He doesn't open up to me and has his walls up (I believe to protect himself from being hurt and intimate with someone again). He's still in the midst of a nasty divorce and custody situation. The problem for me is that I keep getting my feelings hurt, and although I am normally a strong, independent, happy-go-lucky, non-needy person, I find myself being a little needy and pathetic. My question: Should I kick this guy to the curb like I would have done in the past, or give him more time to get where he needs to be? I hate to walk away from someone I am in love with and totally think I could have something much more substantial with." -- Robin P., 42, Canoga Park, California
Dating Expert Diana Kirschner Answers
Dear Robin -- It sounds like this man is still "married." You've been flexible, open and available while he has not. Because of the bitter custody/divorce situation, his mind is fixed on his wife and kids. And he has had no push to get beyond this and really look at what he has with you.
If you are serious about wanting fulfilling love, the most powerful thing you can do is what I call the fear-of-loss.
“Tell your boyfriend that you want the whole enchilada”
Tell your boyfriend that you want the whole enchilada and will end the relationship if he does not step up. If he does not respond, follow through and let him know that you will be dating other men. Then be strong and do it. Look around and find three guys to date casually (hold off on sex because it bonds you too quickly).
Losing you will open up his appreciation and longing for you. It will propel him to choose you without reservations, if that is what he desires in his heart of hearts. If he does not, you will be ahead, because you will be out in the dating world. And there are great guys who are baggage-free and available!
Wishing you all the best.
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a psychologist and author of "Opening Love's Door" and the forthcoming book, "Love in 90 Days" (Center Street). Subscribe to her free newsletter Love E-tips at openinglovesdoor.com
Dating Expert Caroline Presno Answers
Hello Robin -- I know it's hard to walk away from someone you love, but it's time to start thinking about walking toward something better. You deserve a man who loves you just as passionately as you love him. When you find it, you will see that reciprocated love is so much more deep and fulfilling than one-sided love.
It seems like he is the one who is getting the most out of this relationship. He gets to date around whenever he wants and then he gets your love, support and comfort. And you end up feeling hurt and confused.
“Take some time to self-reflect about the things that are keeping you in this relationship.”
Take some time to self-reflect about the things that are keeping you in this relationship. You mentioned that you and he are stuck in the "comfort zone." Could it be fear that is keeping you in this relationship? Are you worried about getting out there and meeting new people again and starting over with someone new? Remember, the best decisions we make come out of courage rather than fear.
If you decide to move on, you need to make it stick. It's not a good idea to stay "just friends" with him, because he will most likely pull you back in. If you decide to continue the relationship with him, make sure that he is not the only one who gets to be "nonexclusive." You need the chance to date other people.
Caroline Presno, Ed.D., P.C.C., the "Date Doctor," is a psychotherapist and author of "Profiling Your Date: A Smart Woman's Guide to Evaluating a Man." Look for her online at ProfilingYourDate.com.
Dating Expert Chelsea Summers Answers
Dear Robin -- That's quite the conundrum. To be honest, I know the feeling, having myself been in a three-plus-year relationship with a commitment-phobe man whom I love deeply. It's not easy to give up on companionship, great sex and deep love served with a side dish of hope that it will lead to lasting commitment. I feel your pain.
I have to say that your case is a bit different than mine, as your man is still going through a very nasty divorce. The freshness of those kinds of wounds would very logically scare a person, if not make it downright impossible for him to separate his fears from his lovely reality. It's just an awful lot to contend with on the inside. I don't hardly wonder why his walls have yet to come tumbling down.
“My advice to you is to be open and honest with him about what you want.”
My advice to you is to be open and honest with him about what you want. If he can't give it to you immediately, reassess whether you're getting enough of what you want to make hanging in there worth it to you. In the words of the immortal Rolling Stones, "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you may just get what you need." You may have to settle for need.
On the other hand, if after checking in with your interior self, you honestly know that neither your needs nor your wants are being met, then it is indeed time to take care of yourself and, for lack of a better expression, kick him to the curb.
Chelsea Summers writes about relationships and sex because she has a lot of experience with both. She uses a pseudonym to protect the identities of parties about whom she writes who are far less innocent than she. You can read more of her work at chelseasummers.com.
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