Porn and relationships

Porn and relationships: "orn and relationships
Written by Dr David Delvin, GP and Christine Webber, psychotherapist


© NetDoctor.co.uk - porn and relationships
Experts say porn has become a huge factor in relationship breakdown.
In the last few years a remarkable change has taken place in Britain and many other western countries.

Huge numbers of men and women are looking at explicit sexual material on the internet. Statistics indicate that sex is by far the most popular search term on the web.

While the government has announced plans to try to criminalise 'extreme pornography' that involves distressing depictions of sexual violence, there are no plans to restrict access to 'boy meets girl' sexual activity. In short, porn - or erotica - seems here to stay.

Can porn be part of a normal relationship?

Our answer to that question would be a qualified 'yes'.

There is no doubt that many couples experiment with the use of porn as an aid to perking up their sex lives, for example by sometimes watching an explicit DVD together. And sex education videos are often arousing as well as informative.

A lot of women like erotic stories. Some females prefer to read alone to get themselves turned on. Others like their man to read to them in bed.

So for some couples, using pornography and erotica works well.

How women see porn

There has always been a difference between men and women where porn is concerned.

Men tend to be turned on by things they can see, while women seem to prefer the images and fantasies they have in their heads.

For this reason, women often don't enjoy the sort of porn that men like. If the people on the screen don't appeal to them, they don't get turned on.

Also, women tell us they do not find sitting in front of a desktop very conducive to arousal.

Women can also feel uneasy and inferior about the bodily 'perfection' of the women in porn. This can put them off sex, rather than turn them on to it.

They can feel threatened by their man's enjoyment of these images and quickly feel that if a man is enthusiastic about porn, he must be losing interest in her. We would say this is often not the case at all.

Whether women like it or not, because porn is so available, most men are going to view it.

How men see porn

Many men like porn of some sort or another. Their arousal is linked to images, and from their teens they are likely to masturbate while looking at pictures of female bodies.

Lots of men use porn for quick masturbation - and this can happen even if they are in a sexually satisfying relationship. Sometimes women have a problem with a man seeking solo relief, but huge numbers of normally-sexed men do this routinely.

Men will often say that porn-assisted masturbation is intense, uncomplicated - and relaxing.

They also put it in a separate compartment: porn is just an 'extra' that has no impact on their feelings for their partner or relationship.

Men in no way view porn or solo sex as a sign of infidelity.

What problems can porn cause?

There are unfortunate consequences from the new, widespread availability of porn.

1. The accessibility of porn to children

There is an enormous amount of sexual material on the internet that should not be seen by children. Yet youngsters can and do access it at the click of a mouse.

If you have kids in your home, make sure any computer they use is fitted with a filter that prevents access to adult material.

2. Availability of eccentric sexual material

A quick web search will return sites that most people would find upsetting. They cover topics like incest, coprophilia (sex involving faeces) and zoophilia (sex with animals).

Unless you are compiling a textbook of sexual psychopathology, these sites are best avoided.

3. Availability of violent or cruel material

There is a lot of porn on the net that glorifies violence, particularly against women. There have been suggestions that some of this could provoke men to harm their partners or commit rape.

The British government is looking at ways to curb this sort of pornography.

4. Availability of material involving children

Sadly, it has become clear that a large number of men (and a few women) are fascinated by the idea of sex with minors.

Much research is going on to find out if the availability of 'kiddy-porn' is increasing the incidence of paedophiliac behaviour. Stay away from anything that mentions the words 'teen' or 'young'.

5. Raises false expectations about sex and body image

Erotic material tends to give men and women impossibly high 'targets' to aim for in the sexual field.

o Young men get the idea that they should have huge penises and be able to climax again and again, carrying on all night.

o Young women get misleading notions about what their bodies should look like. They don't realise that the pictures of the models are heavily air-brushed so their bodies - and especially their vaginal openings - look impossibly neat and tidy.

o Some younger men are surprised by what most of us would regard as normal pubic hair. They have seen so much porn imagery where the women have little or no hair, they think that's the norm.

o Young men assume it is acceptable to ejaculate on their partner's face or breasts. This sort of material is commonplace in porn, leading many men to think it's routine behaviour in the bedroom.


6. Exploitation of models and actors

Visual pornography involves the use of real people. While some young men and women are more than happy to take part in erotic photo sessions or films, for others there may be an element of exploitation.

7. The tendency of the internet to encourage solitary sex

There's nothing wrong with a bit of solitary sex. When you are living on your own or are between relationships, masturbation is good.

Sex therapists have also found it can help women with arousal difficulties or anorgasmia (inability to climax).

But when porn becomes preferable to real, live sex with a loving partner, it indicates a problem.

Are relationship problems because of porn common?

We would say that a problem with porn is almost exclusively a male thing.

In our practice we have never seen a woman who was addicted to porn or who preferred it to having sex with a partner.

We have received a lot of complaints from women who are distressed that their male partners no longer want to make love to them, preferring to spend hours wanking in front of porn.

This is a worrying trend, and we are not alone in our concerns. Various experts from Relate and the British Association of Sexual and Relationship Therapy have reported that solitary use of porn is a huge factor in relationship breakdown and that it is 'spiralling out of control'.

In the December 2007 edition of the Institute of Psychosexual Medicine Journal, consultant psychologist Glyn Hudson Allez says: 'Internet addiction is a manifestation of sexual addiction.'

Sex addiction is when a certain behaviour can't stop, even in the face of negative consequences.

What to do if porn is a problem

It is a good idea if couples discuss their attitude to porn early on in their relationship and agree some house rules about how much porn is viewed and of what type. People often find this difficult, but communication is generally the key to keeping the habit within normal bounds.

If it is discussed before it becomes a huge problem, then the conversation can be calm and a woman can explain what works for her and what she might object to.

Such a conversation could also include the sexual relationship in general, and look at whether either party would like more variety - and if so, what.

Sometimes, women may know their man uses porn to masturbate, but will decide not to broach the subject. This is understandable, but if you avoid discussing it until it becomes a problem, talking may no longer be effective.

A man well on the way to being addicted to porn may promise to change and to stop viewing internet images, but he probably won't.

He may assure his partner that he loves her, but he won't stop accessing porn. He may even break down and cry and swear that he longs to give up all the porn, but it's unlikely he will manage this without professional help.

How to get help

Unfortunately, there's very little free help.

There is no medication that can stop a person from wanting to use porn. And though a GP may agree to refer a man to one of the NHS psychosexual clinics that exist in some areas of the country, waiting lists are usually very long indeed.

Many men who come to accept they have a real problem get help through Sex Addicts Anonymous: 020 8946 2436. But they have to do this for themselves - much as someone with an alcohol addiction has to decide to go to AA.

Relate is a good source of help if the problem has not gone too far. It is particularly useful if the basic relationship between a man and woman is still healthy and both parties want to work together to help the man stop using porn.

There are some skilled therapists in the private sector who are expert in dealing with porn problems. They can be found through the following associations:

* British Association of Sexual and Relationship Therapists

* Institute of Psychosexual Medicine.

An acceptable vice?

There is no doubt that pornography has become more acceptable to people than in previous generations. It has also become more readily available - mostly through the mushrooming of material on the internet.

Occasional use of pornography would now be deemed as normal by most experts. When it is deployed by couples or for solo sexual relief on an intermittent basis, it can be quite useful.

And there is no doubt that material such as The Lovers' Guide DVDs, which can be arousing but is essentially educational, has helped many couples to understand their bodies better and to improve their sex lives.

But the dark side of pornography and erotica is that it can be quite addictive and isolating. In these circumstances, it is just a quick fix without emotional involvement.

Unfortunately, some individuals find it easier to retreat into their porno-world rather than deal with normal relationships, which are always going to have their ups, downs and complexities.


Last updated 20.02.2008"