She doesn't want to have sex with me very often

She doesn't want to have sex with me very often: "he doesn't want to have sex with me very often


Question

My girl friend and I have been together for 14 months.

After five months we set up home together. Within six weeks of that, our sex life steadily began to decrease. Now we make love once in five to six weeks and that is always after I've brought up the subject and I feel she feels guilty, so we make love.

This is something I’m obviously concerned about.

These conversations have been discussed when I’ve been frustrated, but they have also, particularly lately, been discussed with understanding and calm.

The problem my partner seems to think stems from her. The thing is she doesn’t know what it is. She admits its been an on-going problem throughout her other relationships. We are awaiting a call from the psychosexual therapist but it has been eight weeks now with no sign of an appointment.

I’m trying so hard not to let it bother me and give her support but I’m afraid it’s turning us into a platonic couple with the biggest worry being that there will be no way back to a more intimate relationship.

Answer

David writes:

Your relationship does not look very promising right now, so you've done the right thing by arranging to see a therapist. Unfortunately, many experts have very long waiting lists.

But why not ring up the therapist and ask how long the waiting list is? You're entitled to know. If the waiting time is too long for you, then go to somebody else – such as a therapist at Relate.

Christine adds:

A Relate counsellor will make a charge - but this charge will not be the full commercial rate for therapy and will be assessed according to your means.

But you may end up simply having to accept that your girl friend may just have a much lower sex drive than you. Or she may have certain hang-ups, or may harbour bad feelings about other aspects of your relationship that she cannot help but bring into the bedroom.

I hope that the therapy will help this. But it may not solve it to your satisfaction. And if it does not, then you may decide that the relationship has no future.

If you decide to part, it will of course be very sad, but I can assure you that it would still be easier now than if you were married with kids. That would be a lot more damaging for all concerned. However, let’s hope it doesn't come to that and that with some professional help you and your girlfriend can make this relationship work.

Best wishes.

Yours sincerely

Dr David Delvin, GP and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert"